Monday, March 30, 2009

Monster Boobs... (AND a one-eyed monster for the ladies)

This is currently on our fridge...

...because the kids are all keyed up to see Monster vs Aliens, of course. And being the dutiful, indulgent parents we are, we will be indulging them. Eventually. They think it's tomorrow.

So imagine my shock & surprise. We were out at my parents place Saturday morning dropping the kids off for a Sleepover Adventure. We stayed for breakfast. My dad, in the midst of charming Saturday morning coffee and nibbles drops this (same edition of the paper) in front of me...

... and says "Do you think the placement of the pockets - particularly the buttons - was on purpose?"

Now, my Dad is the Kingpin cynic. Every fibre of my cynical being comes from intense life-long training. Every snarky, snippy sarcastic comment is channelling him (some, maybe he, may say I'm just standing on his shoulders, but that's a debate for a different day). So I'm trying to remain positive and open-minded. I'm thinking I should have faith in Hollywood. Especially Hollywood for children. I'm thinking there's a remote possibility that he's just a dirty old (albeit observational) man.

But then I saw this one:

I imagine they made a special one for publication in places like Morden.

On the bright side, Pepper was standing in front of the fridge, admiring her handiwork (you know, with the magnets) and suddenly "struck a pose". Not looking at the poster, I assumed she was emulating Susan (pocket-girl). I noticed that she had her arms crossed, so I asked who she was.

She said: Dr Cockroach. [sniff] My little nerd-girl [sniff] they grow up so fast...

UPDATE!! -- Max (who refuses to join us, saying "he lives it" [evil, "open-season-on-Max" laugh], but I think he's either (a) too scared or (b) too lazy, but (c) going with a combo of the two) has "commented" (that is, he told me as I was discussing this post with him and I said "well check it out and put in a comment" and he said "meh") that there is, in fact, if you are viewing this picture in the above light, something for everyone, if you look carefully at Bob.

So I noticed the flesh-coloured boob-pockets with the red buttons and he noticed the one-eyed cylindrical and "flexible" monster. At least we're a perfect match.

Did I mention we're taking our kids to see this tonight? Yeah. The late viewing too (It's Spring Break and just worked out that way. Shut up. It did.)

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Sunday, March 29, 2009

Um... What?

Someone told me today that I should write a book. For the purposes of this discussion, we'll call him Brad Pitt*. This sparked some discussion at my home this morning.

Me: Would you let me write a book?

Max: Absolutely not.

Me: Brad Pitt says I should write a book.

Max: Brad Pitt doesn't have to live with you [hmm... this moniker isn't working, as I seem to be temporarily obsessed with distracted by this notion]. You would go insane. Thereby driving me insane.

Me: What about a short story?

Max: Have you ever even read anything you've written? You'd say "short story" but it would turn into a novel.

Me: Hmmm... you're right. Well, what about a screenplay? [just throwing crap out there at this point. I'm not sure I even know what a screenplay is.]

Max: --- [contemplative expression]

Max: --- [contemplative expression, continued]

Max: I guess there aren't very many women pr0n directors.

Me: ---

Me: Um... What?

Max: Sorry, I guess I jumped a couple of steps there. I just suddenly had this image of you going to Hollywood to pitch your screenplays and after weeks of pounding the pavement ending up directing pr0n films.
So I took that as an endorsement and will quit my job tomorrow.

*Partly to protect the party-in-question from being accused of *actual* crack ingestion (as opposed to the social-media variety). Partly because I'm still not entirely sure I haven't imagined the whole interaction and don't want to embarass myself. I mean, further.

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Friday, March 27, 2009

Candy: The Unauthorized Biography

Inspired by some talk of beauty, I recalled some talk in the distant past of inner beauty, and did a little hunting.

The setting is a lovely, cozy wedding. All are exceedingly happy because it is one of those natural-unfolding-of-events type events. Myself, nerves stretched to the breaking point, as I have to deliver something marginally intelligent to a room full of hyper-nerderatti-types. I knew they wouldn't hurl insults (you know, room full of people). But that they might send me flame-ridden e-mails the next day was on the periphery of my paranoia [note to self: "don't try and work the Taylor Series into a joke, you're destined to fuck it up"]. Being a nursing mom, I wasn't even supposed go the usual route to temper my edgy nerves. But I did anyway (pump & dump, baby). Desperate times...

This is the text of my speech, unedited, except to protect the innocent the guilty the clinically insane "Roomie" (if that is his real name). If I had the graphic of their wedding invitation, I'd include that, because it was so freakin' cool, but I'll leave that to her. And a groundswell of demand. Demand away! (she may have already done it, but after a brief search, I came up blank, so demand away!)

To note: this event occurred in 2000, so while e-mail had been around for quite a spell (I got it c. 1995 at my work, but didn't have a lot of contacts), most folks were just getting into having it at home by 2000. At least in these parts. These references were actually funny then. Now, you have to rely on the retro-charm (188 x 2 = 376... pffft). On the other hand, the fortelling of her addiction to penchant for social media - by creating the interweaving e-mail networks - is uncanny...

Also to note: I've been long-winded for some time. And Max is deaf in one ear.

"I would like to thank Nenette for asking me to do this. Thanks to her I was able to relive my university days - having about a six-month's notice for this "project" and still having to pull an all-nighter to finish it.

"I have known Nenette since our Engineering days. Like most people I met then, I don't remember the exact moment that I met her - but then, there's not a lot I remember from my days in school anyway. It would be at this time that she first met Roomie and as she says, she stayed away from him because she thought he was a freak. It would be at least four years before they started dating, so it was a strong first impression.

"Then they started dating… and the world has not been the same since…

"They began harmlessly enough - just dating - but their lives very gradually became intertwined. I don't think even she realized how much time she was spending with Roomie, until someone asked her why she was renting an apartment for her cat. On a rare occasion (I think the only occasion) that I saw that apartment on Corydon, a few of us went to pick her up for something and I remember the cat looking at us like "who are you and what are you doing in my home?" Soon after, she decided that this was ridiculous - she hardly ever got to see her kitty. So she rented an apartment for it in the same building as Roomie…

"After a few odd jobs (for both Roomie & Nenette) Roomie got a job in Hawaii and Nenette followed him there… I consider this a no-brainer decision - It was Hawaii - I (and about half a dozen others) almost followed him there. I was sad to have my friends move so far away, but not to fear, because it was at about this time that Nenette became fluent in the ways of E-mail… and the world has not been the same since…

"I am told that there are about 188 people here tonight. I think that this is about half the size of Nenette's e-mail address book. I have visions of her meeting people and saying "Nice to meet you - no, no, I'm not interested in your name, just give me your e-mail address!" As many of you are painfully aware, Nenette has very fast turnaround for various pieces of Internet and e-mail fluff - jokes, profound poems, pop-psychological "tests" which show that your choice of colours, dinnerware, and song titles indicate deep meaning of your relationships and/or outlook on life. As I recall, mine was "Oye Como Va" - my husband's was "Run like Hell" Hmmm…

"Anyway, the rest of the working world would notice when Nenette would take a day off of work, because their e-mail servers would stop smoking. Many people would call her, begging to be taken off her list so that they could actually get some work done and not get fired. I have heard of national offices sending out directives on the use of corporate e-mail and I wonder if she in some way inspired that. She had the power…

"During the time of her development in the "virtual" world, Nenette (and Roomie) moved back from Hawaii via Vancouver. I like to think that I had something to do with them moving back to Winnipeg, because when she was explaining to me (via e-mail) that she had been ill, I said "you're allergic to Vancouver - come home!" and then they did.

"They jumped right back into Winnipeg life. One Friday afternoon the computer conversation (actually, it was probably all day) jumped around James Bond and Bond-girls, and as if by fate, lead to the subject of martinis (shaken, not stirred). Thus began the biweekly pilgrimage to the Martini Bar. And the world has not been the same since… Actually, it might have been a one-time outing, but the bartender there was so… hot…(there really isn't a better description) that we decided to return - a number of times. It was here that I learned the most important fact about Nenette: She loves you. It takes about one to one-and-a-half martinis for any of you to discover that. If I am feeling low, it costs me the price of a martini to have a friend spontaneously profess their love for me. During these outings, a number of us (five) decided to undertake the Walk for MS - we formed a team called: "the Cradle Robbing Martini Marauders" inspired by said "hot" bartender, who was very young. In the end, we raised the most money per capita on a team and won a prize for that. Just a few weeks ago, the team carried its legacy into its second year.

"Nenette and Roomie go together very well. A friend of Roomie's from high school remarked that when she learned that Roomie and Nenette were dating, she was shocked: "Roomie's going out with a GIRL?" I think I might have thought the same thing, had I not known Nenette and had the immediate thought after that of "Nenette… of course, it's so obvious!" They share a lot of the same qualities: for example, computer nerdiness, a warped sleeping pattern (days and nights reversed), generosity. Why, just last week they showed up to a barbecue bringing enough Junior's hamburgers with fries and chili for everyone (about a dozen). Only (1) many had left (they showed up at about 10:30); and (2) being a barbecue, everyone had brought their own meat to barbecue. They made us eat them anyway…

"Over the years, Nenette and I have often discussed the prospect of marriage (of her and Roomie) she had been concerned because this was the result that she wanted and feared that Roomie did not want the same. I think my advice to her was: "just keep nagging, he's bound to relent sooner or later!" Thankfully, she did not heed my advice and just allowed their relationship to develop naturally.

She knew, though that if this wedding was to occur, she would have to nudge (or maybe shove) the process along - she would have to be the one to propose. I remember the Sunday morning when we went for brunch with Roomie and Nenette and I noticed Roomie's ring. Unfortunately, my first reaction was to burst out laughing. I immediately felt bad, because I wasn't sure if they knew why. I knew that this was coming (possibly because Nenette told me) so I knew what it meant. But what I was laughing at was at how perfect it was that she had bought him a ring watch. In retrospect I think I would have been almost disappointed had she simply reversed the roles and bought him a standard engagement ring. I think they must have understood, because here I am, allowed to be the one to honour her on her wedding day.

"I am very proud to have Nenette as my friend. And I am exceedingly happy to see her and Roomie marry today. One of the first things one notices about Nenette is her beauty and after that the realization that it is more than just physical beauty but something that comes from within. I mentioned that it takes only a martini or two for her to profess her love - for just about anyone, but before that, you can see it in her eyes, and I think that contributes in no small part to her beauty. That and her large breasts.

"That both Roomie and Nenette are each so well known and liked for reasons already discussed, and have unexplained powers, this wedding reminds me of what would occur if, say Superman married Wonder Woman… (Please stop imagining Nenette in a Wonder Woman costume…) From this day, the world will never be the same…

"Please join me in a toast to Candy, Girlie, Nenette - Wonder Woman."

I have to say, I'd almost forgotten about the cat-apartment.

I had not forgotten about the bartender.

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Thursday, March 26, 2009

Interview with a 3-6-9-year-old(s)

Well, this sucks. When I started this, the only place I had seen it was on the Facebook friend's page I stole it from. In the ensuing three weeks (I'd done two of them and then forgotten about it), I've seen it four times it this sort of venue. Coulduv been a leader, now just another on the pile.


The subject in question (as photographed by Stewie, age 3):

1. What is something mommy always says to you?

Norah (9): "Practice your guitar!" [guilty as charged]
Pepper (6): "Eat your supper" [it may be that I asked when she was strapped to the table and being forced by trained monkeys to eat her supper. But it does happen often]
Stewie (3): "Hot Wheels! Beat That!" [oh yeah. All the time]

2. What makes mommy happy?

N: "When I hug you" [well, d'uh. I mean awwww!]
P: "Eating your supper" [maybe we'll do this later] "when I was born you loved me so much and you were so happy" [good call, harmzie]
S: [looking at the plant] "umm... I think plants"

3. What makes mommy sad?

N: "When I say I'm going to leave the house"
P: "Not eating my supper" [same the second time, d'oh]
S: "no. Ask 'what makes mommy mad?'" [ans] "I think, nothing"

4. How does your mommy make you laugh?

N: "When you burp and say 'Pepper! How could you?'"
P: "When somebody phones you and they say something funny like 'HI YO'" [she misheard the question, but I liked the answer anyway]
S: "Two monkeys" [that WOULD make ME laugh, depending upon what they were doing]

5. What was your mommy like as a child?

N: "whiny? Ha ha! Just kidding. Cheerful?"
P: "Happy"
S: "Cars"

6. How old is your mommy?

N: "Forty. That's easy"
P: "Twenty-four" ['k come on now, who's my favourite today?]
S: "Firteen"

7. How tall is your mommy?

N: "I'm up to your boobs" [nice]
P: [stands on chair and reaches as high as she can] "six feet tall!"
S: [reaches to the top of my forehead] "this high" [then, while I'm seated, touches my toes and runs his fingers all the way up to the top of my head - sort of weird, but I've decided to go with "adorable". It makes me feel better that way.]

8. What is her favorite thing to do?

N: "burp! ha ha just kidding again! Go to the gym"
P: "play on the computer"
S: "wash clothes" [WTF???]

9. What does your mommy do when you're not around?

N: "She's working"
P: she juggled between "go to work" and "play on the computer". [Not good]
S: "this is a tricky one"

10. If your mommy becomes famous, what will it be for?

N: "winning a race at her first try" [I sure as hell hope so!]
P: "building streets" [yeah!!]
S: "this is a tricky one"

11. What is your mommy really good at?

N: "bossing kids around" [she gets a :- look from me]
P: "building roads"
S: "washing clothes" [I repeat: WTF???]

12. What is your mommy not very good at?

N: "riding a skateboard (probably because you never tried)" [nailed that one]
P: "driving in the dark" [I think I said once that I don't *like it* - because I tend to fall asleep - but I don't know where she got that. I'm a very good driver. My dad lets me drive in the driveway]
S: "building a [race] track"

13. What does your mommy do for a job?

N: "engineers (she does NOT drive a train)" [her words]
P: "build roads"
S: "drink coffee"
[seems they're all paying close attention!]

14. What is your mommy's favorite food?

N: "spaghetti and meatballs"
P: "spaghetti and meatballs"
[it seems these two mistook what I MAKE most often with my favourite food]
S: "sausages"
[it is exceedingly disturbing to me that none of them selected sushi, but at least they didn't say "wine"]

15.What makes you proud of your mommy?

N: "when she earns $45" [kids are so easy to please these days!]
P: "that she loves me"
S: --

16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be?

N: "Tigress" [Kung-Fu Panda. Angelina Jolie in Kung-Fu Panda. Just sayin']
P: "Johnny Test" [??? These kids watch way too much unattended TV]
S: "a grown-up"

17. What do you and your mommy do together?

N: "practice piano"
P: "play games"
S: "hold hands"

18. How are you and your mommy the same?

N: "mommy looked the same as me when she was young"
P: "both girls"
S: "go to a hair cut"

19. How are you and your mommy different?

N: "mommy has glasses"
P: "you're big and I'm small"
S: "short hair"

20. How do you know your mommy loves you?

N: "she tells me everyday"
P: "because I was born from her"
S: "at valentines day"

21. what does your mommy like most about your daddy?

N: "daddy's waffles" [how did she know we called them that?]
P: "he's cute"
S: "daddy's shirts"

22. Where is your mommy's favorite place to go?

N: "to the wine store" [smart-ass]
P: "get coffee" [yay! swish] "... and beer... and wine" [d'oh]
S: "work" [ulp... gotta look at that work-life balance thing]

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3 words

"click the image"

(... and I you thought 140 was hard)

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Wednesday, March 25, 2009

What I said last week?

Um... yeah. Something about some other season that I can't think of the name of now...



On a lighter note, It WAS actually beautiful enough out to venture out (provided you don't have to drive) to a stunning theatrical performance of Grade 1 - 3 ers. Here is the LifeCandy family doing same:

(They're in there. Trust me)

It was also a lovely night for perfect snow angels:

If I get it together to write something intelligent around the roughly 200 pictures I took, I'll do more later. Otherwise, Nen will probably write up a review.
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Monday, March 23, 2009

Twitter High

it's not what you think...

Update: Feeling much better today. Just needed to vent. Thanks for listening!

Here's a picture of something sparkly:

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Sunday, March 22, 2009

Some more reasons I have to colour my hair:

Somehow, even though I may have repressed it, I knew that there would be more of these stories as I documented the first ones. Which was probably why I started jotting them down. This weekend, Pepper was in rare form firing off idea after observation after mere interjection. I was left saying "WTF??" (still in my head. So far so good) on numerous occasions this weekend...

1. We went for fish & chips at Fergies at the Forks (best fish & chips. In The World.) Pepper's idea:

"If only we could go to a fish & chips festival. There could be fish & chips prizes, and toys, and shirts, and you could shoot fish & chips at targets, and have fish & chips colouring pages, and make up songs about fish & chips ..."

2. She (along with her brother and sister) was instructed to clear and then set the table for bre-un-pper (It was a meal it was sometime during the day today). She rushed into the kitchen with a great invention:

"Imagine if we had one big plate that went all around the table and you could eat each other's things. And we could twist the plate around and around to reach each other's things. Yeah that would be awesome, right?" [Yes, because you clearly don't fight enough at the dinner table]

3. Max & I were sitting finishing said random meal at the table. We do tend to forget the little ears are around sometimes. Particularly if we aren't talking of anything especially private or prone to require cussing to explain (it happens!) The radio was on and a Hinder song came on.

Me [giggling quietly to Max]: "I like this song: 'She wouldn't spit on me if I was on fire.'"
Pepper [assuming she's always been fully involved in the conversation]: "I would!"

4. She kept picking fights at dinner - between everyone else. Norah & I were both eyeing the last burger. Pepper: "Why don't you two arm-wrestle for it?" [turned out the more Norah ate of her first, the less she cared, and then we got into a discussion of reverse arm-wrestling to NOT eat it].

Then to Max and I. Similar deal. "I think you should wrestle for it" [instant "later" thoughts and knowing glances exchanged, of course]

Me: "Dad is much bigger than me, I wouldn't stand a chance"
Pepper: "Bigger isn't better"
Me: "He's stronger too"
Pepper: "That doesn't matter, because you're smaller, you could just twist around and ..." [you really do need the arm motions, complete with the hamburger in hand]
Me: "Maybe. But I don't know Kung-Fu"
Pepper [with a winky-winky]: "...or do you?"

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Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Just Around the Corner...

Look at all the GREEN!!! Soon... soon...

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Tuesday, March 17, 2009

It's OK! I'm Irish

...or at half Irish, anyway, so I'll only repeat half the Irish jokes my Dear Auntie Shannon sent me [not her real name, but she's got a regular "Canadian" auntie name. Totally doesn't work for this post.]

I laughed. I cried. I pined for the Old Country. And a shot of whiskey [may have been unrelated]

Happy St Patrick's Day everyone!

[if anyone leaves an "Erin-go-braless" comment, I'll find you and I'll kick you. Seriously. I'll do it.]

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is
afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender."Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but twas useless in a fight."

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, When Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery"

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim.

"How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda.. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout, and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news... My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun..'"

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Sunday, March 15, 2009

Interview with an Umpire

My dear friend, fellow nerd-girl, and growing presence in the blogging world [seriously, if this keeps up, it's going to be left up to me to keep her down to earth & remind her - and everyone - who was there to expound the virtues of her splendiferous rack at her wedding reception. I'll do it, too. Don't think I won't. And it is splendiferous. And real. As far as I know. But I'm not going into the sauna to find out for you], Nenette at Life Candy succumbed to my begging has asked to interview me.

Here is the plain truth and nothing but the truth [lies by omission exempt]:

1: If you can go back in time and relive one moment in your life, which one would it be and why?

I think I'd go back to my wedding & really enjoy the moment a whole lot more. My "moment" would stretch to include the whole planning phase. I recall being really concerned about the danger of making it all about the wedding and not focusing on the marriage. Now that I know (and am cool with) how it has panned out, I'd like to go back & be bridezilla. You know, in a good way.

2: If you had to kiss a female celebrity, who would she be and why?

I'd put a dress on Adam Levine. If I have to explain, you haven't been paying attention.

3: You've been forced to move back to any one of the cities in which you've already lived. Which one would you choose and why?

I've been to a lot of places, but upon reflection, I haven't lived in any other city. The only possible exception would be Bangkok. I let it slip on a technicality, because we (my parents, actually, since I was 10) rented an apartment instead of living in a hotel for three months (I didn't go to school there).

I've actually only lived in one other place, and it wasn't a city. I was a rather remote place on a rather remote island off the lower mainland of BC. It was pretty exotic, but upon reflection, extremely isolated. The hospital was - on a good day, and if they held the ferry for you - an hour away. My adult freakish neuroses fears sensibilities wouldn't allow me to live there again. They barely allow me to stomach the notion of visiting there.

So, thanks! I was spending most of my life feeling rather worldly until I considered it in this context. [sigh]

GAH! Fuck it! Time for a technicality. I received mail in Saint-Georges-de-Didonnes, France (yes, I had to look it up, but I recognized the name when I saw it) for the month that I stayed vacationed there when I was sixteen. St Georges was pair-of-dice. It was on the Atlantic coast of France. I would sit on the beach [topless, no less. The beach, not me. I tried it but balked mostly because I can deal with sunburn on my shoulders & shins, but wasn't will to take further risks. I was sixteen, right? I'm not sure sunscreen was invented yet] and gaze out at the expanse of the ocean in the direction of home & wish my friends were there with me to ogle the hot eurobabes surrounding me. Anyway. I'd live there. And I'd still probably not bother with the whole topless thing. For different reasons, these days. At least not on the beach.

4: You’re at a dinner party with Adam Levine, Brad Pitt, Oprah, Charlize Theron, David Suzuki, Clive Owen, George Clooney, Naomi Watts, Harrison Ford, and Lindsay Lohan. You only have time to chat with four of them. Who do you snub, who do you befriend, who intimidates you too much to approach, who do you smuggle out the back door for one night of passion when the sweetheart's not looking?

Shun: Oprah, David Suzuki, Lindsay Lohan (although I've just heard there's a warrant for her arrest, so she might be good for a laugh), George Clooney. "Meh" to all. I mean I'd be polite & keep the door open to the possibility that someone could pull it out of the fire & interest me. You didn't specify if Dr Suzuki would be wearing his fig leaf. That might change things.
BFF: Harrison Ford (perhaps too "advanced" to sneak out, but I'd still keep my options open), Clive Owen, Brad Pitt, & because the list of those whom I'd befriend is starting to make me look cheap easy trampy narrow-of-focus, I'd try to include Naomi Watts [hopefully, I wouldn't have to own up the fact that I had to Google her to find out if she was the one who keeps throwing phones] and Charlize [can I call you "Charlize"? Because that actually determines whether you stay here].
Now, as for the matter of Mr Levine: I'd probably start off being too intimidated, but then be totally cracked up by the fact that he was wearing a dress, so I'd be all like, "Dude! It's a dinner party! That's totally inappropriate!" And that would break the ice, and because, while I can make freebie lists until I'm blue in the face, I can't get around the fact that there's no such thing as a real freebie, I'd just toss him on the BFF pile. If someone had to go, I'd get Brad to drive Lindsay home. He'd be a gentleman about it.

5: If you were a character on The Simpsons, who would you be and why?

My hope: Lisa - a smart kid who sees the bigger picture, but can still be bought with a pony.

More likely: combination of Professor Frink & Crazy Cat Lady.


If you would like to participate in the ME interview, here are the rules...

1. If you want to be interviewed, leave me a comment, or e-mail (harmzie.m[at]gmail[dot]com) that says “Interview me”.

2. I will respond by emailing you 5 questions (I get to choose the questions).

3. Update your blog with the answers to the questions and let me know when you have posted it.

4. You will include this explanation and offer to interview someone else in the same post.

5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

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Monday, March 9, 2009

Mom's Drinking Game

hot wheels 3
Originally uploaded by Betibr

There are reasons moms don't play drinking games. Or at least won't admit to it. Mostly, there wouldn't be any moms any more.

If I had to take a shot each time, here are some things that, often before breakfast, would make me drunker than a skunk - should a skunk get drunk, which I'm sure they would if they had kids-with-attitudes like mine:

- every time I have to say "get off your brother"

- every time I have to say "don't punch your sister"

- every time I have to flip over a Hot Wheels car and identify what it is [e.g. "74 Dodge Charger"]

- every time I have to say "use your fork"

- every time I have to say "get back to the piano"

- ... "brush your hair"

- ... "don't do headstands on the couch"

- ... "let go of your penis" [half shots - just because... I mean, my God, I'm not a machine]

- ... "let go of his penis" [double shots - just because.]

- ... "your butt goes ON the seat of the chair"

- ... "breasts are private"

- ... "don't pick your nose"

- ... "DON'T EAT IT!!!!"

- ... "gross."

- the second, third, fourth, fifth and sixth time I have to say "brush your teeth" (for seven to ten, I get a tequila shot; eleven through fifteen, they get a tequila shot; more than fifteen, CFS gets one when they show up, and by that time, it's possible I'm happy to do it)

Still. I'm tougher than some wimp-assed skunk. And I (usually) smell better.

What are yours? [I'm assuming it's obvious, but in case it isn't: dads too!]

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Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Sometimes a girl just needs a good banana joke -- Pt II

There is nothing like a good banana joke. And this is NOTHING like a good banana joke:

"Knock Knock"

"who's there?"

"Banana Peel"

"banana peel who?"

"Banana Peel in your butt!!"


(As I said to Max over the phone between gulps of sweet, sweet wine) If you listen to the joke about 40 more times [in the car, driving between practices, coupled with the DEMAND to respond at each requisite interval] with such classic punch-line variations as: "... on your butt"; "... up your butt" and "...on your head", it actually does start to become a little funny. In a jam-a-fork-in-your-own-eye kind of way.

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Sunday, March 1, 2009

Lessons from the Road Trip

* The prairies here are really, really flat (OK, so I've always known this, but it is highlighted every time we go out on the road. Especially in winter)

* Portable DVD players are the best invention to control kids in a car since the seat belt (actually a refresher lesson from two previous road trip)

* I need to get one that points the speakers to the BACKSEAT and not into the back of my head (it's attached to the headrest).

* Kids can hold it for a very long time when the alternative is a ditch full of snow and a windchill of -36.

* I can hold Max's hand for a really long time. I was going to credit the cruise control, but realized that I don't hold his foot.

* Eleven bathing suits are not enough for a family of five at a water-slide hotel for a weekend. Just for the record, I, personally only brought two.

* Despite my cat-like aversion to being wet, I can actually have fun on a water-slide (I just have to take my time getting in).

* Pepper now knows the you-are-lucky-you-are-BOTH-cute-AND-my-child-otherwise-I-would-eat-you look from mom. A result of premature moisturization. See previous point.

* Aaltos is too fancy a restaurant to put up the hood on your hoodie (statement from Norah).

* Even if you think the movie choice is acceptable (one of the first Star Wars chapters - I'll be in a cold, cold grave before I call them the first Star Wars movies), you probably shouldn't let your kids watch Spike TV on a Saturday evening. Unless you really want them to be aware of the advantages of Axe Body Wash.

* If you're by yourself, with kids safely in bed (Max playing in the tournament - oh yeah! The whole point of the road trip) Spike TV has some REALLY funny fare, so long as you view it that way. This was so bad I found it hilarious.

* You can try to secure down your fancy-schmancy hotel boom-box, but MY kids will make short work of it. Next time, use bolts, not hot-glue.

* Having a "theme" hotel room with a kids' room with a door is a *great* idea. Especially if you are doing things in the adult part that you don't want to have to try and explain to an inquisitive nine-year-old. Like watching CSI Miami. I can't even explain that to adults.

* If you're getting a "theme" room for any other reason than the point above [which is a good enough reason, as far as I'm concerned. I mean, no conscientious parents could watch CSI Miami with their kids sleeping in the next bed. And they would certainly have to suspend their conscientiousness, should they choose to do it anyway], don't bother. It's just a mural painted on the wall, albeit a good one. But I found it a little creepy sleeping next to Marlin & Dory staring at me. It was like they were judging us watching CSI Miami.

* Being on the "family" floor does not guarantee a non-party floor.

* I need to get to know some of these other families.

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