Candy: The Unauthorized Biography

Inspired by some talk of beauty, I recalled some talk in the distant past of inner beauty, and did a little hunting.

The setting is a lovely, cozy wedding. All are exceedingly happy because it is one of those natural-unfolding-of-events type events. Myself, nerves stretched to the breaking point, as I have to deliver something marginally intelligent to a room full of hyper-nerderatti-types. I knew they wouldn't hurl insults (you know, room full of people). But that they might send me flame-ridden e-mails the next day was on the periphery of my paranoia [note to self: "don't try and work the Taylor Series into a joke, you're destined to fuck it up"]. Being a nursing mom, I wasn't even supposed go the usual route to temper my edgy nerves. But I did anyway (pump & dump, baby). Desperate times...

This is the text of my speech, unedited, except to protect the innocent the guilty the clinically insane "Roomie" (if that is his real name). If I had the graphic of their wedding invitation, I'd include that, because it was so freakin' cool, but I'll leave that to her. And a groundswell of demand. Demand away! (she may have already done it, but after a brief search, I came up blank, so demand away!)

To note: this event occurred in 2000, so while e-mail had been around for quite a spell (I got it c. 1995 at my work, but didn't have a lot of contacts), most folks were just getting into having it at home by 2000. At least in these parts. These references were actually funny then. Now, you have to rely on the retro-charm (188 x 2 = 376... pffft). On the other hand, the fortelling of her addiction to penchant for social media - by creating the interweaving e-mail networks - is uncanny...

Also to note: I've been long-winded for some time. And Max is deaf in one ear.

"I would like to thank Nenette for asking me to do this. Thanks to her I was able to relive my university days - having about a six-month's notice for this "project" and still having to pull an all-nighter to finish it.

"I have known Nenette since our Engineering days. Like most people I met then, I don't remember the exact moment that I met her - but then, there's not a lot I remember from my days in school anyway. It would be at this time that she first met Roomie and as she says, she stayed away from him because she thought he was a freak. It would be at least four years before they started dating, so it was a strong first impression.

"Then they started dating… and the world has not been the same since…

"They began harmlessly enough - just dating - but their lives very gradually became intertwined. I don't think even she realized how much time she was spending with Roomie, until someone asked her why she was renting an apartment for her cat. On a rare occasion (I think the only occasion) that I saw that apartment on Corydon, a few of us went to pick her up for something and I remember the cat looking at us like "who are you and what are you doing in my home?" Soon after, she decided that this was ridiculous - she hardly ever got to see her kitty. So she rented an apartment for it in the same building as Roomie…

"After a few odd jobs (for both Roomie & Nenette) Roomie got a job in Hawaii and Nenette followed him there… I consider this a no-brainer decision - It was Hawaii - I (and about half a dozen others) almost followed him there. I was sad to have my friends move so far away, but not to fear, because it was at about this time that Nenette became fluent in the ways of E-mail… and the world has not been the same since…

"I am told that there are about 188 people here tonight. I think that this is about half the size of Nenette's e-mail address book. I have visions of her meeting people and saying "Nice to meet you - no, no, I'm not interested in your name, just give me your e-mail address!" As many of you are painfully aware, Nenette has very fast turnaround for various pieces of Internet and e-mail fluff - jokes, profound poems, pop-psychological "tests" which show that your choice of colours, dinnerware, and song titles indicate deep meaning of your relationships and/or outlook on life. As I recall, mine was "Oye Como Va" - my husband's was "Run like Hell" Hmmm…

"Anyway, the rest of the working world would notice when Nenette would take a day off of work, because their e-mail servers would stop smoking. Many people would call her, begging to be taken off her list so that they could actually get some work done and not get fired. I have heard of national offices sending out directives on the use of corporate e-mail and I wonder if she in some way inspired that. She had the power…

"During the time of her development in the "virtual" world, Nenette (and Roomie) moved back from Hawaii via Vancouver. I like to think that I had something to do with them moving back to Winnipeg, because when she was explaining to me (via e-mail) that she had been ill, I said "you're allergic to Vancouver - come home!" and then they did.

"They jumped right back into Winnipeg life. One Friday afternoon the computer conversation (actually, it was probably all day) jumped around James Bond and Bond-girls, and as if by fate, lead to the subject of martinis (shaken, not stirred). Thus began the biweekly pilgrimage to the Martini Bar. And the world has not been the same since… Actually, it might have been a one-time outing, but the bartender there was so… hot…(there really isn't a better description) that we decided to return - a number of times. It was here that I learned the most important fact about Nenette: She loves you. It takes about one to one-and-a-half martinis for any of you to discover that. If I am feeling low, it costs me the price of a martini to have a friend spontaneously profess their love for me. During these outings, a number of us (five) decided to undertake the Walk for MS - we formed a team called: "the Cradle Robbing Martini Marauders" inspired by said "hot" bartender, who was very young. In the end, we raised the most money per capita on a team and won a prize for that. Just a few weeks ago, the team carried its legacy into its second year.

"Nenette and Roomie go together very well. A friend of Roomie's from high school remarked that when she learned that Roomie and Nenette were dating, she was shocked: "Roomie's going out with a GIRL?" I think I might have thought the same thing, had I not known Nenette and had the immediate thought after that of "Nenette… of course, it's so obvious!" They share a lot of the same qualities: for example, computer nerdiness, a warped sleeping pattern (days and nights reversed), generosity. Why, just last week they showed up to a barbecue bringing enough Junior's hamburgers with fries and chili for everyone (about a dozen). Only (1) many had left (they showed up at about 10:30); and (2) being a barbecue, everyone had brought their own meat to barbecue. They made us eat them anyway…

"Over the years, Nenette and I have often discussed the prospect of marriage (of her and Roomie) she had been concerned because this was the result that she wanted and feared that Roomie did not want the same. I think my advice to her was: "just keep nagging, he's bound to relent sooner or later!" Thankfully, she did not heed my advice and just allowed their relationship to develop naturally.

She knew, though that if this wedding was to occur, she would have to nudge (or maybe shove) the process along - she would have to be the one to propose. I remember the Sunday morning when we went for brunch with Roomie and Nenette and I noticed Roomie's ring. Unfortunately, my first reaction was to burst out laughing. I immediately felt bad, because I wasn't sure if they knew why. I knew that this was coming (possibly because Nenette told me) so I knew what it meant. But what I was laughing at was at how perfect it was that she had bought him a ring watch. In retrospect I think I would have been almost disappointed had she simply reversed the roles and bought him a standard engagement ring. I think they must have understood, because here I am, allowed to be the one to honour her on her wedding day.

"I am very proud to have Nenette as my friend. And I am exceedingly happy to see her and Roomie marry today. One of the first things one notices about Nenette is her beauty and after that the realization that it is more than just physical beauty but something that comes from within. I mentioned that it takes only a martini or two for her to profess her love - for just about anyone, but before that, you can see it in her eyes, and I think that contributes in no small part to her beauty. That and her large breasts.

"That both Roomie and Nenette are each so well known and liked for reasons already discussed, and have unexplained powers, this wedding reminds me of what would occur if, say Superman married Wonder Woman… (Please stop imagining Nenette in a Wonder Woman costume…) From this day, the world will never be the same…

"Please join me in a toast to Candy, Girlie, Nenette - Wonder Woman."

I have to say, I'd almost forgotten about the cat-apartment.

I had not forgotten about the bartender.