Monday, March 9, 2009

Mom's Drinking Game

hot wheels 3
Originally uploaded by Betibr

There are reasons moms don't play drinking games. Or at least won't admit to it. Mostly, there wouldn't be any moms any more.

If I had to take a shot each time, here are some things that, often before breakfast, would make me drunker than a skunk - should a skunk get drunk, which I'm sure they would if they had kids-with-attitudes like mine:

- every time I have to say "get off your brother"

- every time I have to say "don't punch your sister"

- every time I have to flip over a Hot Wheels car and identify what it is [e.g. "74 Dodge Charger"]

- every time I have to say "use your fork"

- every time I have to say "get back to the piano"

- ... "brush your hair"

- ... "don't do headstands on the couch"

- ... "let go of your penis" [half shots - just because... I mean, my God, I'm not a machine]

- ... "let go of his penis" [double shots - just because.]

- ... "your butt goes ON the seat of the chair"

- ... "breasts are private"

- ... "don't pick your nose"

- ... "DON'T EAT IT!!!!"

- ... "gross."

- the second, third, fourth, fifth and sixth time I have to say "brush your teeth" (for seven to ten, I get a tequila shot; eleven through fifteen, they get a tequila shot; more than fifteen, CFS gets one when they show up, and by that time, it's possible I'm happy to do it)

Still. I'm tougher than some wimp-assed skunk. And I (usually) smell better.

What are yours? [I'm assuming it's obvious, but in case it isn't: dads too!]

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  1. Hmm.

    Shots for:

    "Hurry! We're running late!"

    "Less talking, more eating."

    "Don't tattle on your sister."

    "Don't be bossy with your sister."

    "No, it's not swimming lessons tonight. It's not. No, it isn't."

  2. ugh... of course. All excellent additions. I'm feeling woozy just looking at the list!

    [tattling: grrrr]

  3. Wait, wait, I think you've got it backwards... it's through playing drinking games that they become moms! If you didn't know that, maybe that's why you have three children? :-)

    Every time I have to say:
    1. Sit on your bum and face the front when you're at the table.
    2. Stop stomping around upstairs.
    3. Sit on your bum and face the front when you're at the table.
    4. Sit on your bum and face the front when you're at the table.
    5. Sit on your bum and face the front when you're at the table.
    6. Hold your food over the plate and lean forward to take a bite. Don't wave the food all over the place!

    Really, there's only one that I have to repeat several times a day, and the only problem meal is really dinner, so it's all concentrated in that power hour.

    Every time I:
    - step on some small sharp toy and either break it (if it is beloved and irreplacable) or hurt my foot (if it is some 2-cent piece of crap that came in a party loot bag).

  4. [sigh] the table manners. I didn't even *touch* table manners. Probably because I usually have a nice big glass of wine with me anyway. Tonight I realized that I have pretty much abandoned what would be considered education in *table manners* and am focussing on just being non --- or some days even just less --- offensive.

    Recent addition:
    "leave the bathroom door alone" (apparently it's a super fun game of peek-a-boo when someone's on the terlet)

  5. OMGLOL! You've covered most of mine. My kids don't do the penis-touching and nose-picking things -- thankgodthankgodthankgod -- but I can contribute...

    - "are you listening?"

    - "put that down and listen."

    - "focus!"

    - "no, because it's not Treat Day!"

    - "get into your pajamas."

    - "don't touch anything until you wash your hands!" (usually after a rather greasy dinner)

    - "where's your [school] mail?"

    - "ask your father."

    - "buckle up so we can drive."

    - "no, don't phone daddy at work."

    - "use your spoon."

    - "stop jumping on the couch."

    - "apologize to your sister/brother."

    Good god, can you imagine how much love I'd feel for all yous guys?!!!

  6. ugh. "Stop jumping on the couch". That's usually in the same five minute period as "no headstands on the couch" and "butt goes where?" ("[---groan---] on the seat, mom")

    The corollary to "get your pajamas on" is, of course "are you getting dressed today?" [knowing glance and eyeroll over at the couch right now - note time-stamp below]...

    I'm almost regretting doing this post, as I am only reminded of all the thousands of things that get said by the thousands! I missed so many... Probably because I've blocked them! ;-)

  7. Weeeeee.....

    Shots for:
    "finish your homework"
    "get me your lunch kit and agenda"
    "is your home work, agenda and lunch kit in your school bag?"
    "do you have your school bag? Do you have your school bag?
    "don't wear your outside shoes inside to get your school bag"
    "it's not appropriate to address adults with what's up homedog?"
    "did you walk the dogs?"
    "did you feed the dogs?"

    My personal favorite since we are past the don't touch your penis stage....

    "chew with your mouth closed"

  8. Don't forget the ones for when they are quiet and watching kid tv that you really have seen enough of and the character does it's patented move/saying, and they've put the show on DVD!!!!!