My First Venn Diagram

I was about 12 when I created my first Venn diagram (that I remember). I didn't realize that that's what I'd done, nor did I (shocking Nerdlinger admission) actually *draw* it out.

I was in the bathroom, probably sitting on the toilet (though that point is not particularly relevant). I was playing with the plunger (remember, 12) when I stuck it to the floor & pulled.

Up popped a floor tile.

"dammit!"

OK, I might not have cursed, but it was entirely possible - and possibly, you know, worse, as I'm pretty sure I've been a potty-mouth since I could talk. If I did, I *might* have been smart enough to keep it under my breath (but no guarantees).

"DAMMIT!!" Because I suddenly realized the following Reasons I Am Busted:

(Thank you, thank you. Yes, it's good to be back. OK OK, put down that rake, violence will solve nothing)

O Tannenbaum

I dismantled and put away the tree yesterday. As much electricity and excitement as surrounds the annual assembly of the tree, its putting away is the time that affords the most reflection.

Putting up the tree is usually done in the midst of about 17 other things on the list. It's done on THE night that has been scheduled for it as THE ONLY time that it can be done between x, y, & z Holiday Affairs. It's fun and is not rushed, but it's done with purpose and a certain urgency. It's also an exercise in "wait, no- put that... hang on -just- PUT THAT BACK IN THE BOX UNTIL---" and so on. But it IS fun. Really.

(life: spread on the table, with a little help from my friend Peter)

Taking it down, however, is done because it's time, and because we need the dining room back. Considerably less urgent. Also, it seems to be regularly done at a time when I am seriously hungover mellow.

With that frame of mind, I set about removing every single item, and reflecting upon its origin. It is not insignificant that it comes at a time when there are plenty of *new* distractions around [ahem]WiiFit/DS[ahem] that are far more exciting than a boring old box of decorations.

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We first got a tree the first year we were married, because that was the first year we decided to embark upon our Annual Christmas Party (keeps the number of parties easier to remember, as it's the number of years we've been married, which is now - um - a number that is quite impressive in its magnitudinousness, but I won't be sharing for uh... privacy - no, not math - reasons). We only had a few little decorations we had received as part of a wedding present (excellent idea for a wedding present, by the way!)

Because we lived in an apartment with "rules" (turned out we were the only ones who followed them), we went out & bought a nasty plastic tree which actually looked not too shabby. We bought some plain but pretty decorations - red & gold bead garlands and red & gold glass balls. The tree looked absolutely perfect - and just like the lobby of an stark office building. BUT, it was great, as in the back of my mind, I knew that it was something that had to grow with us.

And grow it has.

In a couple of pre-child years, I took it upon myself to buy & paint a whole bunch of plaster & wooden pre-fab decorations (upper right in the photo). The second year, we gave away many of the little plaster ones as party gifts (I think the only time we ever gave out party favours). They are some of my favourites to reflect upon, as it reminds me of some of the things I DID do pre-children that I could not very well do now. Like I didn't just sit around watching Law & Order the whole time.

Others have come from friends as small "cheat" gifts. We have always had a no gifts agreement amongst our friends, but some have periodically figured there's a loophole for Christmas decorations; it's not a "gift" if you hide it for 11 months of the year!* (Also, it's not a gift if you can chug it consume it within fourteen days...) (Also, I think it's possible most people refer to these "cheat" gifts with the more politically sensitive term: "host" gifts. I'm not very good with semantics sometimes. Or grace.)

One year I added a flock of crystal-y geese. Not so Christmassy, but wintery and pretty. Also, a "band" of little cherubs with different instruments.

When we moved into our house, we switched to a real tree (that is to say, the "naturally grown & unceremoniously chopped down and dragged in a death-march to our door" tree, as Norah would be quick to point out that our plastic tree is, in fact, "real", as well). The first thing we invested in on that front was a magnificent Lee Valley Stand - tree has *never* even wobbled or given a hint of tipping (says "no longer available" gasp!) - and the tin stars and tin-tinsel as well.

Then came the kids decorations. They make them at school and at home. There are some with snapshots of time (a handprint or hand printing). They spend hours every year making snowflakes (my favourite is the "pizza snowflake" - draw a pizza and then make a snowflake out of it) and poke them on the ends of branches. This year Norah bought a book of Christmas crafts at the book fare and all three of them made several spectacular items.

In more recent years, my dad has seemed to perpetuate a very informal tradition of showing up one day in early December with a new decoration from 10,000 Villages for each of the kids. I probably wouldn't have even realized that it was a regular thing, except for the moment we spend with each one at take down time.

Lastly, every year, my cheap, bargain-hunting-born-&-bred local instincts have sent me out after Christmas, nabbing those 60% off decorations here and there. Just those things that are absolutely stunning (and - since it's 60% off - no longer make me choke on what they "normally" expect you to pay). This year, I've picked up some lovely snowflakes (three different patterns, representing the fact that all snowflakes are different!)(OK, so I couldn't find matching ones), and some TINY DISCO BALLS! I was thrilled to find some last year, only to discover this year that they weren't actually hanging decorations, but meant to just toss in a bowl (a bizarre concept if you ask me, but they're in a bowl, as directed). It's like an early Christmas present when you crack open the box next year, because I never seem to remember what I got the previous year.

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So yeah! Took down the tree yesterday & got totally retro and introspective. I swear I wasn't high, either. But Peter totally was.

*[NOTE to Those Who Might Think They Have a Brilliant Idea: This is not a hint! I'm quite happy with the current rate of growth of our collection]

The Volcano

For as long as I can remember, I've eaten my mashed potatoes by piling them up, carving a little hole in them and filling the hole up with gravy. It just makes sense. This way, you get maximum efficient use of your plate (especially important in buffet situations) with minimum risk of gravy infiltration to other food – just gross (half of you are now sitting there nodding "oh, that's just obvious"; the other three are face-palming "WTF? You are bent lady!" that second half of you can just bite me)

Growing up, my family mostly ignored accepted this. I have received some blank stares and probably some rolled eyes when I wasn't looking. Mostly, just "oh, that Harmzie – has to make her little mashed potato volcano!" They openly mock me (NB: this is just regular, every day, normal family interaction - it's why I have the stomach for the Internet) – albeit quietly – but I'm certain they realize the genius of my arrangement as I see them Easter, Thanksgiving & Christmas dinner after Easter, Thanksgiving & Christmas dinner, their little piles of mashed potatoes sporting increasingly larger divots in their tops. They make sure their gravy runs over so it doesn't look like they did it on purpose, but I'm watching...

My girls noticed this early in their mashed potato consumerism phases. Not having the years of family politics and baggage to impede them, they quickly embraced the brilliance of The Volcano. Mashed potatoes are one of their favourite and most highly anticipated foods in the dinner cycle. Sadly, Stewie will not eat mashed potatoes, even with the entertainment they bring to the table [snort].

Usually, they are content with piling the potatoes, smooshing out the hole and watching the gravy fill the void until it *just* runs over the edge – the smaller the trickle, the better (this whole issue may actually be the reason Pepper did her volcano project last spring). The other night though, things were a little more... interesting.

I had built the perfect volcanoes for each of them. I mean, textbook. One tiny stream of lava running down a craggy mountain face. Pepper took her fork (she used a fork! I'm so proud) and grabbed a tiny blob of potatoes and put it smack in the lava's path.

"Oh no! The lava is heading right for the city!"

Norah quickly followed, noting a city in her lava stream. "Oh... they're toast"

Pepper was madly trying to save her city by redirecting lava flows. I noted her city was right on the edge of her plate. "You know," I commented, "as the chief engineer, if any lava gets on the table, YOU'RE the one responsible – and in big trouble." She looked at me blankly. "You can *direct* your lava flows. Do you see how your sister's city is toward the middle of her plate?" More blank. "Don't get gravy on the table!"

Norah had moved on. "Look Pepper, my volcano has exploded, taken out the city and is now a delicious lava and ash tornado"

Throughout all of this – including the naming of Mount Potato, Mount Chick(en), Mount Bean (we had green beans, too), plus a dozen more including Mount Norah, Mount Pepper, Mount Stewie, as well as each of their friends on our street AND in school... AND several other food varieties we were not having that night... – Stewie was watching intently while gnawing on his drumstick – the only thing from this delicious and entertaining supper to pass his lips. At one point, he stood in his chair and announced that he would have some mashed potatoes too, but that he didn't want to eat them. Before I had a chance to shoot him down in a fiery ball of momtastic you-can't-have-food-JUST-to-play-with-it, BOTH Pepper and Norah chimed in with a matter-of-fact "No, you can`t just play with a volcano, you have to eat it too"

"Oh," he replied, and sat back down, continuing to watch & gnaw on his drumstick.

And I just wrote an entire post about mashed potatoes.

Illness-Induced Delirium

For something that just popped into my head and made me giggle, this sure took a long time.

I've been burning the candle at both ends to be able to take two weeks off of work without having to do "just one more thing" or call in and help out with this or that. Sure enough, as soon as I relax, that virus says "you're mine, you fargging bastage*!"

I thought that had happened as we went to our friends Margo & Brian's cottage on (as in, RIGHT on) the lake. I abused used it constantly ("no, I don't want to go swimming sweetie, I'm sick, you know" and more often "could you get me another drink? I'm too sick to get up.")

But as I arrived home, and the ton of bricks hit me, I realized that my body had been attempting to further stall the inevitable. Which I appreciated, since, as lousy as I felt, I (and we all) still had a great weekend.

My only reliable friend has been Advil Cold & Sinus. I describe our relationship as follows:

I had sketched this up on paper and showed Max when he walked in to rescue me from any real effort for dinner with some boxes of KD (have I mentioned that Norah can pretty much make us a meal in the form of KD? She is quickly surpassing me in the kitchen). He looked at it and laughed "You're making graphs about being sick? You're clearly delirious." So I added in the fifth point on the bottom.

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* [anyone who can tell me where that line comes from will get a virtual shiny gold star (well not so much virtual, as imaginary). It's a pretty obscure one, I think, but comes from one of Max's sentimental favourite movies. That's not really an unfair hint for anyone who knows him, either]

Chartreuse? Pear? Pistachio?

We're pretty green, but pretty much everything we do is for another reason.

* We use a "reel" mower because Max doesn't want to deal with gasoline (I threatened that if he dies, the first thing I'm doing - assuming it's summer - is buying an electric mower)

* We drive one car because it's too expensive for 2 for our needs.

* We compost - again, Max liked the challenge and now it's a habit

* We don't use weed killer because I've found they just don't work on dandelions like pulling them out. Or any other weeds for that matter

* We don't drink bottled water because it's just too expensive considering it's basically tap water that someone else bottled (this was hard, since it's sooooo convenient - and actually got me drinking water regularly) Cost of bottled water (cheapest I've found): appx $0.1275/L; cost of tap water: $0.003111222/L. I could get 41 bottles of tap water for one bottle of the cheapest.

* We use reusable grocery bags... sometimes. We've got about a dozen of them, but if they make it to the car *I* usually forget them there & don't think about it until I'm at the checkout. My weaselly solution is that I give the plastic ones to my sister to reuse as dog-poo-bags (sorting out the ones with holes in them is up to her!)

* We've got a front-load machine, but only because less water saves $$
[have been planning to replace the toilet for years. Let's see: 7L - current 13L toilet - 6L "green" one - x 15 flushes/day x 365 x about 4 years we've been "meaning to" X $0.003111222/L = $477 wasted since we figured it would be a good idea. Can't recall the exact time; have never counted number of flushes; didn't account for leap year! Also didn't account for many times using the 3L flush which would make our 7L difference 10]

* I, um... drink wine from the box. Because there's um... much less... um... packaging.

* I bring stacks of (printed one side) paper home from work for the kids to draw on. THEN (depending on the artwork) it goes into the recycling. This is a cheap thing... Do you know how much art these kids produce?

On the other hand:

* I don't give a crap about watering my lawn & garden (i.e. I'll do it) - don't bother selecting low-water plants.

* I will usually drive if I can.

* I will usually turn up the heat if I can get away with it. Put on a sweater you say? Yes, I'll do that. And then I'll turn up the heat anyway.

* I live in urban sprawl. Yes, it is an "older" (beautiful) neighbourhood and the anti-sprawl crowd for some reason looks favourably on my 'hood. But the lot sizes are the same - and sometimes smaller - in what "they" generally consider to be the blight on our urban environment [the evil suburbia]. Also, because I have a back lane AND a sidewalk AND a front street (and grid is not the most efficient layout of pavement to reach every property), I consume more infrastructure than I'm generally given credit for. If we're talking density, I'm not in a particularly dense area. Screw 'em all. I like my neighbours, but not in my lap. Subject for another post? If I get around to it [ha!]

Anyone else a lazy shade of green?

The one where a bicycle factory exploded on our street

And all the kids ran off because
"HEY! THERE'S SOMETHING SHINY DOWN AT JAKE'S PLACE!!!"
(there's never anything said on the street that is in anything less than a screaming voice.)

...and This Is Your Brain On Bugs

"Mom, if a bug crawled into your ear, could it get out the other side?"

"No dear, your brain is in the way."

"Oh. NO! Couldn't it crawl through like under and then around?" [lots of indecipherable hand motions]

"Your brain is still in the way"

"NOOOOOO! You don't understand what I mean..."

[Me thinking it's over, but 10 minutes later]:

"Here. This is your head. And this is the hole that they go through to get through the other side. It goes UNDER your brain!" [stupid]

Also, apparently we all look more like Shrek than we realize.

How to Bild a Tiyr Swing

Pepper came up with this plan all on her own and showed it to me (click on picture to get more detail)

I was particularly impressed with her ability to sketch out a plan.

The only flaw I could see (which of course I pointed out to her because I'm like that), is the absence of a large cantilevered strong horizontal post upon which to fix all of the above plan. She seemed unfazed.

Oh, Baby!

Oh, yeah. They totally want one.

The Boy is a little more "uh, yeah, there's only room for ONE baby in this house, muthafukka" The smile is totally fake.

[Thanks to our special friends, BA Berg & Co for supplying the beautiful little prop - and causing me just a teensy bit of "just one more!!" Just a teensy bit. It went away. They have two boys also, one two weeks apart from Stewie, the other two years older. They came for brunch last week]

So what do YOU want that mom says "FUCK, NO!" to?

More Vaseline

This is my Mothers' Day post.

This photo was taken by either Pepper or Stewie (I can't recall which because it was a little while ago, but I'm thinking Stewie, just because he grabs the camera more often).

I "doctored" it (I say this to preempt someone commenting "shopped!") because I thought "hey, the jacket & plates are already black, the wall and shirt are already white. Maybe if I B&W it, no one will notice the blue undertones of my skin." Except now I've told you. So you can just imagine me belonging in an early version of Star Trek (there's NO way I'd fall for Jim though. Gimme a break. Spock.)

My main point is: the kids need to learn to use the soft-focus more.

Hair Redemption - Part III

We all know Einstein's* definition of insanity:

"Repeating the same actions and expecting different results"

Now, I don't want to put my son in the same category as Einstein or anything, but it appears that he (Stewie) considered Mr Einstein's postulation for a moment & concluded: "Pussy"

Here's The Boy's twisted little corollary:

"I think any sane or not sane person can keep trying the same things over and over again. What if I were to reverse the polarity on this issue? Say she's trying the same thing over and over again, and I provide vastly different results each time? Could that make her bat-shit-stupid crazy?

"Hmm...Let's try it and see!"

What's the best time to try? Why, bed-time of course!

Mom: "Let's go brush your teeth"

Stewie: "No"

M [been through this song & dance. Best not to force it]: "OK, well the stool isn't in the bathroom. I think it's in the kitchen. Can you go get it or do you want me to?" [You see - old parenting trick: give choices. PLUS ignore the defiance & proceed - brilliant strategery. I've got three, you know.]

S: "NO" [wait, the change-up is coming]

M: "Ok, I'll get it" [walks to kitchen, reaches for stool]

S: "NOOOOO!!! I want to get it"

M [remaining calm, of course]: "OK! here you go. Grab it."

S [stopping in his tracks]: "NOOOOOOO!!! YOU get it."

M [Reaching for it. Starting to regret teaching him to speak. Also wondering why it's OK to strap them into highchairs, and have them fall asleep, but NOT OK to just strap them into their beds... I've never done this. Just wondered excessively about it.]

S: "NOOOOOOOO!!! I'LL DO IT!"

And here's where it got nutty (Nope. Not before). Because he took the stool picked it up & stood there demanding that I take it. But wouldn't let me take it. Ten minutes later, I stabbed a pillow with a letter opener.

And this, dear children, is why Mommy drinks. And "highlights" her hair.

*Well, according to net-lore it's his. I have never actually heard (nor sought out) the context in which he may or may not have said that. It makes more sense to me that it was something that Dilbert said, and said that Einstein said and it stuck. But for the purposes of this discussion - and associating my son with Einstein - we'll assume the net-lore nailed it.

Flipping... a coin

Hmm... write an intelligent, mind-blowing, articulate, insightful, life-changing, world changing [back it up, Harmzie] piece about, well, anything...

Or...

Finish Flipping Out? [Go. Get it. Chapters has it. I checked on line. Then I went INTO the store and saw them ON the shelf. Polo Park location,at least. No I don't have a problem. Shut up, I don't.]

Has THIS post changed your life?

Ya. I guess you've got your answer.

Victory Is Mine

I Overcame:

Other than the obvious, this is especially relevant, since our VCR hasn't worked in about three years.

Also, and quite seriously, I don't think we ever watched the end of the video.