Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Sometimes a girl just needs a good banana joke

I had a hectic morning, and early afternoon for that matter. Nothing crazy, just go, go, go. Compounded by the fact that I didn't get my coffee until ten... Bad mojo. By the time I got into my office and turned on my computer, it was two-thirty.

This was on my feed for Quotes of the Day:

"With a stop light, green means 'go' and yellow means 'slow down'. With a banana, however, it is quite the opposite. Yellow means 'go', green means 'whoa, slow down', and red means 'where the heck did you get that banana?' "
- Mitch Hedberg

Not having heard of Mitch Hedberg, I Googled him and found that I did recognize him (from his photo) and I also found many more gems:

  • "I was in a casino, minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move. You're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. Unless you're a table."
  • "I like Kinko's, because they're open 24 hours. If it's 5 am and I decide I need two of something, I'm covered! Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night all sweaty n' shit, and then I think, "Ah shit! Oh, yeah. Kinko's. No problem. That will not remain singular."
  • "Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. 'Damn it, Otto, you're an alcoholic.' 'Damn it, Otto, you have lupus.' One of those two doesn't sound right."
  • "I walked by a dry-cleaners at 3:00 in the morning and there was a sign on the door that said, "Sorry, We Are Closed." I was like, "Don't be sorry, it's 3:00 in the morning, you're a dry-cleaners...there is no need to apologize."
  • "I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. There would never be an escalator temporarily out of order sign, only an escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
  • "I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later."
  • "Last week I helped a friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck."
  • "When I go out to dinner with a group of friends and someone offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet because inside is a note that says 'say thanks'."

As I read further, I discovered that he has, unfortunately passed on. In 2005. Get with the program, Harmzie.

But today, in a random aligning of the planets, I got the weird, from the pit of the stomach laugh when I needed it.

Cheer, Mitch. Even if I'm a little late.

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