Tuesday, October 6, 2009


We were watching Wimbledon.

I use the term "we" a little loosely. Basically, I was aware it was on. Despite my abhorrence for all things sports, I DO try to make an effort to remain engaged. It is a little bit interesting. Plus, I do have a deep respect for and fascination with the business, physiology and psychology of sports. That someone can bring themselves up to that level, both physically and mentally (it takes both, apparently).

So we were watching Wimbledon, and I looked up from my crossword/sudorku at some point and made some snide comment about Roger Federer being some kind of an asshole or something. Max – who normally jumps right in with the celebrity bashing – indignantly said "actually, I've heard he's quite the gentleman and sportsman". I was unable to argue the statement, as my position was based merely on the usually robust assumption that all celebrities (from all walks) are assholes. I am fully aware that this is a rule which is full of exceptions, and am quick to back down when one is presented, but usually, I just don't give a flying crap either way.

But it did send me off on a train of thought… Wow. He sure seems smitten [I don't know if it's obvious, but the thought process from here on was pretty much entirely internal] with Roger Federer. And it reminded me of a Mad TV skit (which I can't find, so it's possible I made this whole part up) where a man finds his wife in bed with Brian Bosworth and instead of freaking out, he is totally jazzed by the fact that his wife is FUCKING BRIAN BOSWORTH!!! And he wants pictures and autographs – ends up creeping out the Boz*, and pissing off his wife because, hello! Earth to jealous husband! Fight for me!

So jumping another step (naturally), suddenly I'm thinking of the Freebie Five. Nen did (a) Your Freebie Five; (b) the Freebie Five I'd Switch Teams For; (c) most recently, Time Machine Freebie Five. The next logical step is…

[drum roll please]

Freebie Five for my spouse! Brilliant! This is so brilliant that I can't believe it hasn't been done yet. I'm so excited. Yay! I am totally pursuing this.

That night, as the house is settling down, I ask (I even cite the Mad TV skit, so it's not TOTALLY out of the blue – I'm THAT prepared): "Who would your Freebie Five for me be?"


"You know, who would it be a feather in YOUR cap if *I* were to sleep with them?"

He is clearly not playing the game, and in fact, is offended. "What the hell is wrong with you? That list would obviously be zero" (also obviously too flustered to deal with grammar)

Now it is ME who is offended "UGH! You have no imagination. Yes, I'm going to take your 'list' and run around the continent (hey! I've got lots of airmiles!) hunting down these 'catches' because I've got this permission slip from my husband, so it's ok as long as I get pictures and an autograph that says 'yer wife's a tiger in the sack, thanks dude'. It took me six months land a date with YOU"

He rolled his eyes at me and was silent for a very long time as I frittered away on my sudorku "OK fine… How about Stephen Hawking. And maybe Homer Simpson"

"you're an asshole. Homer Simpson wouldn't count because he's all TWO DIMENSIONAL"

*scroll down to "Personal Life" for a local connection. I recall seeing it on the news, so it MUST be true!

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  1. ok, firstly, i thought you were referring to the brian bosworth of 80's teen heartthrob fame. until i realized it was the football guy, i didn't get the joke.

    nextly, stephen hawking? are you fucking serious? that's the BEST he could do? does max power know what sex is? because as shitty as i would want my husband's freebie five to be in order that nobody was as good as me, i'd at LEAST pick people who actually could have sex.

    lastly, roger federer is a dick, if only for the reason that he has insane amounts of money and isn't flashy about it. its like david beckham-dickness. not flashy, very classy. dickheads.

  2. You are sick and twisted and I LOVE you for it. And BTW - you are also a TOTAL genius. xoxo

  3. Yeah - this is not a game that Buddy likes, either. Even if he did decide to play, I'd have to stalk some obscure graphic artists in their lairs of insomnia and iniquity in order to get any play. Boooring.


  4. Totally on Max's side on this one. Keep your creepy cougar fantasies in your heads, ladies. It's not that I think my wife would hunt down whoever I name to make good on the idea, it's just that there's no way any of that would be a feather in my cap, if you know what I mean.

  5. OMG, I was totally ROTFLMAO! (Do people still say that?) Very interesting idea, my dearie... very intriguing... I should ask Roomie.

  6. you worry me Michelle.

  7. Yeah. I worry me too.

    My next post should clear things up!

  8. No kidding you use the term "we were watching" loosely, since "we" were not watching Wimbledon, "we" were watching the US Open. Geeze.

    Hey, if you could get Stephen Hawking off, or Homer Simpson for that matter, I would be impressed.