Sunday, March 15, 2009

Interview with an Umpire

My dear friend, fellow nerd-girl, and growing presence in the blogging world [seriously, if this keeps up, it's going to be left up to me to keep her down to earth & remind her - and everyone - who was there to expound the virtues of her splendiferous rack at her wedding reception. I'll do it, too. Don't think I won't. And it is splendiferous. And real. As far as I know. But I'm not going into the sauna to find out for you], Nenette at Life Candy succumbed to my begging has asked to interview me.

Here is the plain truth and nothing but the truth [lies by omission exempt]:

1: If you can go back in time and relive one moment in your life, which one would it be and why?

I think I'd go back to my wedding & really enjoy the moment a whole lot more. My "moment" would stretch to include the whole planning phase. I recall being really concerned about the danger of making it all about the wedding and not focusing on the marriage. Now that I know (and am cool with) how it has panned out, I'd like to go back & be bridezilla. You know, in a good way.

2: If you had to kiss a female celebrity, who would she be and why?

I'd put a dress on Adam Levine. If I have to explain, you haven't been paying attention.

3: You've been forced to move back to any one of the cities in which you've already lived. Which one would you choose and why?

I've been to a lot of places, but upon reflection, I haven't lived in any other city. The only possible exception would be Bangkok. I let it slip on a technicality, because we (my parents, actually, since I was 10) rented an apartment instead of living in a hotel for three months (I didn't go to school there).

I've actually only lived in one other place, and it wasn't a city. I was a rather remote place on a rather remote island off the lower mainland of BC. It was pretty exotic, but upon reflection, extremely isolated. The hospital was - on a good day, and if they held the ferry for you - an hour away. My adult freakish neuroses fears sensibilities wouldn't allow me to live there again. They barely allow me to stomach the notion of visiting there.

So, thanks! I was spending most of my life feeling rather worldly until I considered it in this context. [sigh]

GAH! Fuck it! Time for a technicality. I received mail in Saint-Georges-de-Didonnes, France (yes, I had to look it up, but I recognized the name when I saw it) for the month that I stayed vacationed there when I was sixteen. St Georges was pair-of-dice. It was on the Atlantic coast of France. I would sit on the beach [topless, no less. The beach, not me. I tried it but balked mostly because I can deal with sunburn on my shoulders & shins, but wasn't will to take further risks. I was sixteen, right? I'm not sure sunscreen was invented yet] and gaze out at the expanse of the ocean in the direction of home & wish my friends were there with me to ogle the hot eurobabes surrounding me. Anyway. I'd live there. And I'd still probably not bother with the whole topless thing. For different reasons, these days. At least not on the beach.

4: You’re at a dinner party with Adam Levine, Brad Pitt, Oprah, Charlize Theron, David Suzuki, Clive Owen, George Clooney, Naomi Watts, Harrison Ford, and Lindsay Lohan. You only have time to chat with four of them. Who do you snub, who do you befriend, who intimidates you too much to approach, who do you smuggle out the back door for one night of passion when the sweetheart's not looking?

Shun: Oprah, David Suzuki, Lindsay Lohan (although I've just heard there's a warrant for her arrest, so she might be good for a laugh), George Clooney. "Meh" to all. I mean I'd be polite & keep the door open to the possibility that someone could pull it out of the fire & interest me. You didn't specify if Dr Suzuki would be wearing his fig leaf. That might change things.
BFF: Harrison Ford (perhaps too "advanced" to sneak out, but I'd still keep my options open), Clive Owen, Brad Pitt, & because the list of those whom I'd befriend is starting to make me look cheap easy trampy narrow-of-focus, I'd try to include Naomi Watts [hopefully, I wouldn't have to own up the fact that I had to Google her to find out if she was the one who keeps throwing phones] and Charlize [can I call you "Charlize"? Because that actually determines whether you stay here].
Now, as for the matter of Mr Levine: I'd probably start off being too intimidated, but then be totally cracked up by the fact that he was wearing a dress, so I'd be all like, "Dude! It's a dinner party! That's totally inappropriate!" And that would break the ice, and because, while I can make freebie lists until I'm blue in the face, I can't get around the fact that there's no such thing as a real freebie, I'd just toss him on the BFF pile. If someone had to go, I'd get Brad to drive Lindsay home. He'd be a gentleman about it.

5: If you were a character on The Simpsons, who would you be and why?

My hope: Lisa - a smart kid who sees the bigger picture, but can still be bought with a pony.

More likely: combination of Professor Frink & Crazy Cat Lady.


If you would like to participate in the ME interview, here are the rules...

1. If you want to be interviewed, leave me a comment, or e-mail (harmzie.m[at]gmail[dot]com) that says “Interview me”.

2. I will respond by emailing you 5 questions (I get to choose the questions).

3. Update your blog with the answers to the questions and let me know when you have posted it.

4. You will include this explanation and offer to interview someone else in the same post.

5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

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  1. Hilarious, good work.

    Adam Levine? The guy who starred in The Wedding Singer and You Don't Mess with the Zohan?

    I read an "interview" of sorts with George Clooney, where the author sat with Clooney and made him google his name and comment on the stories that popped up. The article made him sound like a very funny (and fun) guy. Maybe you should give him a chance! :-)

    And which Simpsons character are you? Are you sure you didn't mean "a combination of Lunch Lady Doris and Disco Stu"? Lunch Lady Doris doesn't get enough respect these days...

  2. that's "Sandler" you... [composure...] you have Google...

    [ahem] Thank you! I really like the Google interview idea, but I can assure you my results would be far less interesting. Depending upon which name you'd use; I think there's a couple of times that I appear on the City Council agenda, then there's the time I worked on the Infraguide Best Practices; then, going way back, was an appearance in (wait for it...) REGINA! something about women in engineering. I was in a display case.

    Or bull-mastiff breeding. I have a doppelganger who breeds bull-mastiffs.

    I guess that really wasn't your point tho. Sure, I'd give ol' George a chance. Someone else would have to go. Naomi? Sure, I hadn't really heard of her anyway.

  3. Heh - I love how the party attendees changed for both of us. I guess Nenette didn't want us to have to e-duke it out over any participants! ;-P

  4. Awesome! Loved it! And thanks for the linky-love too. :)

    The way you paid homage to my rack at my wedding will never be forgotten! And thanks again for telling my guests not to picture me in a Wonder Woman costume. You always have my back, girlfriend. ;)

    I think Adam Levine in a dress would wipe the floor with Adam Sandler in a dress.

  5. @wylie:
    one has to be mindful of possible e-violence ;)