Chicago

Alternate title: The one where I do not get knifed in my sleep.

It's funny how things go.

Just over a year ago, and really new to blogging, I random Googled something for work (at work – I truly wish I could remember what it was. I imagine it's one of those things that ends up on your "what the HELL kind of people are out there" Google hit-list posts) and hit Chris's post about a dead betta fish. I sent myself the link home with the message "check this out later" (hey, I can recognize quality, even when it's disguised as dead fish). Several days (weeks?) later, I saw my email to myself & went browsing again. This time, a bizarre comment caught my eye; so of course, I followed it (duh). There, I met Marshall. I left some kind of obnoxious comment on HIS blog and the stupid fucker replied (his first mistake) (it took me several more visits and some poking around the rest of his site to figure out that he's a -- REAL -- LIVE -- AUTHOR --)(Who's the stupid fucker now? You ask) (Don't ask! MY story. Everyone ELSE is the stupid fucker in MY story) (Get your own blog.)

So I tormented Marshall for a few months and I'm sure he was regretting his personal policy acknowledging every idiot with an internet connection who comments on his (fabulously quirky, clever & funny – just like his books) blog. Then (I can only assume) he sent his daughter after me. And for some (awesome) reason we hit it off. On twitter. (I still torment Marshall, but not very often, because he posts even less frequently than I do. I KNOW!! We're thinking of taking away his card).

In the mean time, I can't remember how I stumbled across AndreAnna. She just kind of seeped into my (albeit online) life. Because we were separated at birth. And 12 years. Some conversation or another migrated toward visitation jokes. She said "absolutely you come here and drink on my patio" and then "No. I mean it." And I knew she did. I had learned even by then, you don't question her.

So, long story short, and several "we should DO this" convos later, the three of us decided IT WAS ON. We picked a neutral zone – one that I could fly to directly, and a place that I've always wanted to go – Chicago. Cass and Sara said "HELLZ-YEAH, I'm in!" And it was done.

And then the Chicago contingent joined in. And Holy-Dinah! Suddenly the Whole World of Blogging had faces and names, and kids, and spouses, and exes, and parents, and lives. (Well, MY blogging world does. The rest of you are still robots. Very well-spoken, raw, snarky, hilarious bots, but still).

Given the course of actions over the previous year, it made perfect sense to me to hop on a plane & go. More importantly, it sat well with Jiminy Cricket Max. Had he given me one furrowed brow, I might not have given it a second thought (the cookies probably didn't hurt the case for there being a rational human being at the other end of the line. Yes, I use the term "rational" loosely.)(Cookies also came from Rougie – which helped the cause too – but I didn't blog about it, because, remember? I suck at this)

But try explaining that to the "outside" world. "You're going WHERE? And WHY?"

What most (including myself initially – and as I'm trying to rationalize this to others and myself) don't really get is that this (blogging/twitter) realm, can be not unlike friendships IRL. Some people you glance at; nod respectfully at; are aware of each other's work; despise, but can't turn away from; (despise and CAN turn away from); and, yes, grow with.

So, blah blah blah. I went to Chicago, drank an s-load, tried an Irish Car Bomb (wasn't exactly converted), climbed ascended "Big John". Met & hung with some really cool folks. HERE are my photos.

I had plenty I wanted to say about the fabulous time I had, but [something something busy/lazy asshat excuse] and all these ladies did a better job of it than I could anyway. Please go read, view the photos (the best & loveliest are by Cass) leave them obnoxious comments. Say hi for me & tell them I miss them:

Belle Plaine Living
Cass. Just Curious.
Annabelle Speaks
Chez Rougie
Lilsaej
McMama's Musings
Back To Me
Pseudostoops
AndreAnna

P.S. the "Alternate Title"? A nod to actual reactions I got when telling folks "I'm going to Chicago to meet up with people I've met on the Internet". I fully deny presenting the facts to them in a way which may or may not have elicited such a reaction. No YOU'RE inflammatory.

Why America is Great

Because they invented the Muppets; dumbed down YouTube enough for me to embed this and also, keep the world safe from weirdos. Among other reasons.

Happy America Day to my southern friends!

Cookies From Heaven - a Photo Essay

"There's going to be a surprise arriving Monday" I said on Friday.

"What? What is it?"

"I can't tell you. It's a surprise"

I was entirely non-committal about what the surprise was. Not even an animal/vegetable/mineral hint.

They were climbing the walls all weekend. They pretended they weren't. But every few hours or so, one of them would bring it up, in hopes of catching me off guard and getting more info. But I held my ground.

Even last night: "So, is it in the morning, or when we're at school?"

"When you're at school. It will probably be here when you get home, but you can't touch until *I* get home"

"Oh. So what is it?"

"I can't tell you. It's a surprise"

So when I got home, I was just through the door and I swear, it was less than 30 seconds before I snapped this picture. I barely had the chance to see that there WAS a box before they descended upon it like vultures. Keep in mind they still don't know what's INSIDE it!


They were ready with scissors.


Here, Pepper holds up what she figures is the next best thing to bubble wrap. When she bursts it with a satisfied grin, I yelled "NO!!! That's New Jersey air!" She was unfazed, but Max swooped in and took a deep breath, so as not to waste it.

This was completely lost on her, but I thought it was funny.
Inside was a care package sent by AndreAnna.

She made me cookies, and X-Press delivered them.

I KNOW!!!

Isn't that the pinnacle of everything that is good and just about the world?

It's a tough cookie-critiquing crowd. And these ladies know their way around a cookie. But after careful contemplation they produced a review best captured on -erm- film?

[Aside: Also? Those t-shirts they're wearing? Schwag in exchange for using our children as slave labour to clean up the school yard. Some line about "helping the earth"]


How can you not love someone who puts this look on The Boy's face? Seriously.










"Mother's Little Helper" (Not that these cookies needed any help. But a glass of wine just helps. Period.)

Now, I'd love to offer some more intelligent review of AndreAnna's cookies, but this isn't a food blog and in reality, we were too busy cramming our faces to provide anything better than "mwff. vees aw awfom." But that was a pretty consistent sentiment.
I was lucky to have the camera handy too:

Catch it quick...

...before they're all gone...
...and you're forced to scramble for crumbs.


[They're not entirely gone, as I saw Norah whisk her final allocation away to a Ziploc bag to pop into her lunch bag for tomorrow. I'd love to hear what she tells her classmates about the Mystical Well-Travelled Cookie]

For the rest of the evening, I caught little random little thoughts popping out:

"Those cookies were awesome"

"It was so nice of your friend to send us cookies"

Thanks again for the lovely treat AndreAnna!

Update: Grrr... I've been trying to remember to include an engaging question, because in those places where I've seen them, I love reading the comments almost as much as the post. But I forget Every. Single. Time.

So: What surprises do you like to get?

A Lot of Wining, a Little Dining

We went to the wine festival public tasting (paying extra special attention to spelling) last night. It was awesome.

The Liquor Commission has this wine festival every year. Apparently it's a week long thing. As I recall, they used to try and push all the other events and the public tasting event was just (according to the publicity) just another event that week. They seem to now be acknowledging that their big ticket event is the tasting. Because that's where everyone goes to get their drink on. The rest of it certainly looks intriguing, but I can't afford it. Money or liver-wise.

We went with our dear friends Margo & Brian (we've gone with them in the past, or so I've been told). It started at 7:00 and we were booted out at 10:00 (but so was everyone). I really enjoy the atmosphere there, because it's a mix of people trying to be snooty snoots and slowly failing as they get further and further smashed. So speaking of which, while I can still grasp at the rapidly fading memories, here are some highlights:

• We make a point of going first to a booth where we have a particular interest to try something that (a) we'll have a hope of remembering what we had and (b) we'll still be able to distinguish the taste of. We landed on Cape Jaffa and were not disappointed (although for some reason I kept wanting to say "Cap-pay Jaffa". It was too early to cite public drunkenness as the cause of that).
  
  
• My super-funny friends thought it would be a lark to dare me to ask the Peter Lehmann rep if she was related to Peter Lehmann. So I did and she was not, but she HAD had dinner with the Lehmanns. At their house. AND here (I asked if it was at HER house and she said no, but it was at a local swanky restaurant). So it was *totally* worth it. And she told us about how the commissioned art for the labels are inspired by each wine it labels (and that the originals are hanging in winery). I then asked if the artist is shipped a cask of the wine for "inspiration" and visualized the artist getting shit-faced drunk to paint them. The works actually look much better than that, so it was time to move on. I would say "Margo, you owe me a buck", but we still owe them for the tickets.
  
  
• Clearly by now, you may note that we as a group are drawn to the Australian reds. But we found a lovely Chilean wine as well called "Eclat". Unfortunately, it was a little later on and I don't recall much else about it. I remember *exactly* what the rep looked like. She was small and wiry and looked like a marathon runner. With *really* short hair. YES it was a wine tasting...
  
  
• Can't all be about the good wine. I wish I could remember the name of the wine that we all concluded tasted like damp basement.
  
  
• The South African wine that we tasted two years ago that then tasted like burnt tires has since upgraded to merely burnt. But unfortunately not a good - say smoky barbecue flavour - burnt. I said it was like licking a barbecue pit after it rained.
  
  
• John the Naval Reservist. He tried to teach us a thing or two about port. The boys were interested in the whole port thing, even threatening to get "into" it (i.e. buy some and drink it), so they were quite into what John the Naval Reservist was saying. Margo and I were quite attentive but I have to say not really paying much attention to what John the Naval Reservist was saying. But we dutifully tried some port (mostly so as not to appear too obvious that we were not paying much attention to what John the Naval Reservist was saying), and pretty much maintained that, yes it was like drinking paint thinner. I will (and did) put out there that I can see how one could acquire a taste for port, and do not outright dismiss the possibility that I could acquire this taste.
  
  
• My friends expressing subtle fear every time they did something awkward: "are you going to blog about this?" Yes, but you'll be in the witless protection program.
  
  
• I saw someone I was *sure* I recognized from somewhere. I assumed it was work-related, so I was a little perturbed that this dude didn't acknowledge me *at all*. Not even a "hey, I know her from somewhere" double take. So several samples into the evening, I approach him & say the usual "hey, you look familiar!" And he said "yeah, you too". A few pleasantries later and I figured out that he works in our local liquor store [blushing]. I blubbered on about how he's kind of like a celebrity IN THAT (hear me out here), he sees a LOT of people and couldn't hope to recognize all of them, but each person would tend to recognize him. He had obviously been sampling as much as I had and only heard the celebrity part. So Max and I are sure to get *excellent* service on our next visit. I took it as a positive sign that we only look familiar to our local liquor store dude and that he doesn't know our names, booze preferences by season and our kids' birthdays.
  


• Walking across downtown on a Saturday night (brilliant) to go for nachos at a restaurant that we'd been kicked out of years ago for complaining that they switched tequilas on us (they totally had). We didn't order tequila this time.

New Pork City

I can't make this stuff up.

Today we went to the girls' "Student-Led Conferences".

[Aside] I don't know if this is universal, or common - it sure didn't happen when I went to school. Rather than traditional parent-teacher interviews, the spring interview is the student showing what they've been up to so far in the year - it's really quite a set up. And awesome to see the pride with which they lead you around the room and demonstrate their skills.

Also, if I haven't mentioned it before, Norah & Pepper are in the same classroom - a Grades 1/2/3 blend class. And Nenette's LAM is in there too. That's important in a moment.

The girls - separately, they're in different grades and at different levels - guided us through their binders and read to us and showed us some "self-assessments". Really cool stuff. All kinds of parent-chest-busting-pride moments.

The coolest though, was a project that they've been buzzing about all spring session. We'd heard all kinds of tell of it. They were building a pig town (I believe it was an extension of the Three Little Pigs module of Learning. No really.)

Ladies & Gentlemen, I give you... New Pork City:

The power lines! The trees! (Notice that the four seasons are depicted.)

Somewhere in the distant past I recall talking about building the houses. Can't recall if it was here, Twitter, Facebook [problem much?] or possibly even Nen that mentioned it, but each kid was to build one from whatever material they wanted (I think LAM's was granola bars. Yum) and discuss the pros & cons of what they chose.

Our pros consisted of "Mom had this crap lying around the house". It was also the cons.

Here is Norah's house. It is made of match sticks from a "Build Crap With Matchsticks" kit. I don't know why we had that, but it has been on a shelf for years.

I apologize for the quality (I use the term loosely) of the photo. It was my camera phone. I guess I moved. You'll have to trust me when I say that the sign above the door says "Please Wipe Your Feet", in proportionally really large letters!

Here is Pepper's house. It was made of raffia. And a crap-load of glue. And a milk carton. I confess, I ran out and bought raffia. I didn't know how much we'd need for a pig house, so we now have a giant bag of raffia that I'll never use again.

Those are little terracotta pots with raffia crammed in them. I think Pepper had gone off to play Wii by this point.

OK, so there was one kind of creepy late addition to New Pork City [Did I mention that the kids came up with the name? They voted and everything. Very clever]. The kids decided to add a zoo. Except that because this is a pig city, the residents of the zoo would be people. And the kids made themselves up as said residents.

By some aligning of the planets, LAM & Pepper's appointments were at the same time. And the only two at that time (Norah's slot, for comparison, had four). So Nen, Roomie, LAM & Mini were there at the same time as our entire family.

Ensue numerous variations of "bend over and check out New Pork City!". I even heard "Pork... The One You Love!" and so on [does anyone not get that yet?]

Our sweet teacher who loves our kids dearly, well first she chuckled at us, then the giggles became a little more nervous. Then she left the classroom.

Candy: The Unauthorized Biography

Inspired by some talk of beauty, I recalled some talk in the distant past of inner beauty, and did a little hunting.

The setting is a lovely, cozy wedding. All are exceedingly happy because it is one of those natural-unfolding-of-events type events. Myself, nerves stretched to the breaking point, as I have to deliver something marginally intelligent to a room full of hyper-nerderatti-types. I knew they wouldn't hurl insults (you know, room full of people). But that they might send me flame-ridden e-mails the next day was on the periphery of my paranoia [note to self: "don't try and work the Taylor Series into a joke, you're destined to fuck it up"]. Being a nursing mom, I wasn't even supposed go the usual route to temper my edgy nerves. But I did anyway (pump & dump, baby). Desperate times...

This is the text of my speech, unedited, except to protect the innocent the guilty the clinically insane "Roomie" (if that is his real name). If I had the graphic of their wedding invitation, I'd include that, because it was so freakin' cool, but I'll leave that to her. And a groundswell of demand. Demand away! (she may have already done it, but after a brief search, I came up blank, so demand away!)

To note: this event occurred in 2000, so while e-mail had been around for quite a spell (I got it c. 1995 at my work, but didn't have a lot of contacts), most folks were just getting into having it at home by 2000. At least in these parts. These references were actually funny then. Now, you have to rely on the retro-charm (188 x 2 = 376... pffft). On the other hand, the fortelling of her addiction to penchant for social media - by creating the interweaving e-mail networks - is uncanny...

Also to note: I've been long-winded for some time. And Max is deaf in one ear.

"I would like to thank Nenette for asking me to do this. Thanks to her I was able to relive my university days - having about a six-month's notice for this "project" and still having to pull an all-nighter to finish it.

"I have known Nenette since our Engineering days. Like most people I met then, I don't remember the exact moment that I met her - but then, there's not a lot I remember from my days in school anyway. It would be at this time that she first met Roomie and as she says, she stayed away from him because she thought he was a freak. It would be at least four years before they started dating, so it was a strong first impression.

"Then they started dating… and the world has not been the same since…

"They began harmlessly enough - just dating - but their lives very gradually became intertwined. I don't think even she realized how much time she was spending with Roomie, until someone asked her why she was renting an apartment for her cat. On a rare occasion (I think the only occasion) that I saw that apartment on Corydon, a few of us went to pick her up for something and I remember the cat looking at us like "who are you and what are you doing in my home?" Soon after, she decided that this was ridiculous - she hardly ever got to see her kitty. So she rented an apartment for it in the same building as Roomie…

"After a few odd jobs (for both Roomie & Nenette) Roomie got a job in Hawaii and Nenette followed him there… I consider this a no-brainer decision - It was Hawaii - I (and about half a dozen others) almost followed him there. I was sad to have my friends move so far away, but not to fear, because it was at about this time that Nenette became fluent in the ways of E-mail… and the world has not been the same since…

"I am told that there are about 188 people here tonight. I think that this is about half the size of Nenette's e-mail address book. I have visions of her meeting people and saying "Nice to meet you - no, no, I'm not interested in your name, just give me your e-mail address!" As many of you are painfully aware, Nenette has very fast turnaround for various pieces of Internet and e-mail fluff - jokes, profound poems, pop-psychological "tests" which show that your choice of colours, dinnerware, and song titles indicate deep meaning of your relationships and/or outlook on life. As I recall, mine was "Oye Como Va" - my husband's was "Run like Hell" Hmmm…

"Anyway, the rest of the working world would notice when Nenette would take a day off of work, because their e-mail servers would stop smoking. Many people would call her, begging to be taken off her list so that they could actually get some work done and not get fired. I have heard of national offices sending out directives on the use of corporate e-mail and I wonder if she in some way inspired that. She had the power…

"During the time of her development in the "virtual" world, Nenette (and Roomie) moved back from Hawaii via Vancouver. I like to think that I had something to do with them moving back to Winnipeg, because when she was explaining to me (via e-mail) that she had been ill, I said "you're allergic to Vancouver - come home!" and then they did.

"They jumped right back into Winnipeg life. One Friday afternoon the computer conversation (actually, it was probably all day) jumped around James Bond and Bond-girls, and as if by fate, lead to the subject of martinis (shaken, not stirred). Thus began the biweekly pilgrimage to the Martini Bar. And the world has not been the same since… Actually, it might have been a one-time outing, but the bartender there was so… hot…(there really isn't a better description) that we decided to return - a number of times. It was here that I learned the most important fact about Nenette: She loves you. It takes about one to one-and-a-half martinis for any of you to discover that. If I am feeling low, it costs me the price of a martini to have a friend spontaneously profess their love for me. During these outings, a number of us (five) decided to undertake the Walk for MS - we formed a team called: "the Cradle Robbing Martini Marauders" inspired by said "hot" bartender, who was very young. In the end, we raised the most money per capita on a team and won a prize for that. Just a few weeks ago, the team carried its legacy into its second year.

"Nenette and Roomie go together very well. A friend of Roomie's from high school remarked that when she learned that Roomie and Nenette were dating, she was shocked: "Roomie's going out with a GIRL?" I think I might have thought the same thing, had I not known Nenette and had the immediate thought after that of "Nenette… of course, it's so obvious!" They share a lot of the same qualities: for example, computer nerdiness, a warped sleeping pattern (days and nights reversed), generosity. Why, just last week they showed up to a barbecue bringing enough Junior's hamburgers with fries and chili for everyone (about a dozen). Only (1) many had left (they showed up at about 10:30); and (2) being a barbecue, everyone had brought their own meat to barbecue. They made us eat them anyway…

"Over the years, Nenette and I have often discussed the prospect of marriage (of her and Roomie) she had been concerned because this was the result that she wanted and feared that Roomie did not want the same. I think my advice to her was: "just keep nagging, he's bound to relent sooner or later!" Thankfully, she did not heed my advice and just allowed their relationship to develop naturally.

She knew, though that if this wedding was to occur, she would have to nudge (or maybe shove) the process along - she would have to be the one to propose. I remember the Sunday morning when we went for brunch with Roomie and Nenette and I noticed Roomie's ring. Unfortunately, my first reaction was to burst out laughing. I immediately felt bad, because I wasn't sure if they knew why. I knew that this was coming (possibly because Nenette told me) so I knew what it meant. But what I was laughing at was at how perfect it was that she had bought him a ring watch. In retrospect I think I would have been almost disappointed had she simply reversed the roles and bought him a standard engagement ring. I think they must have understood, because here I am, allowed to be the one to honour her on her wedding day.

"I am very proud to have Nenette as my friend. And I am exceedingly happy to see her and Roomie marry today. One of the first things one notices about Nenette is her beauty and after that the realization that it is more than just physical beauty but something that comes from within. I mentioned that it takes only a martini or two for her to profess her love - for just about anyone, but before that, you can see it in her eyes, and I think that contributes in no small part to her beauty. That and her large breasts.

"That both Roomie and Nenette are each so well known and liked for reasons already discussed, and have unexplained powers, this wedding reminds me of what would occur if, say Superman married Wonder Woman… (Please stop imagining Nenette in a Wonder Woman costume…) From this day, the world will never be the same…

"Please join me in a toast to Candy, Girlie, Nenette - Wonder Woman."

I have to say, I'd almost forgotten about the cat-apartment.

I had not forgotten about the bartender.