Monster Boobs... (AND a one-eyed monster for the ladies)

This is currently on our fridge...

...because the kids are all keyed up to see Monster vs Aliens, of course. And being the dutiful, indulgent parents we are, we will be indulging them. Eventually. They think it's tomorrow.

So imagine my shock & surprise. We were out at my parents place Saturday morning dropping the kids off for a Sleepover Adventure. We stayed for breakfast. My dad, in the midst of charming Saturday morning coffee and nibbles drops this (same edition of the paper) in front of me...

... and says "Do you think the placement of the pockets - particularly the buttons - was on purpose?"

Now, my Dad is the Kingpin cynic. Every fibre of my cynical being comes from intense life-long training. Every snarky, snippy sarcastic comment is channelling him (some, maybe he, may say I'm just standing on his shoulders, but that's a debate for a different day). So I'm trying to remain positive and open-minded. I'm thinking I should have faith in Hollywood. Especially Hollywood for children. I'm thinking there's a remote possibility that he's just a dirty old (albeit observational) man.

But then I saw this one:

I imagine they made a special one for publication in places like Morden.

On the bright side, Pepper was standing in front of the fridge, admiring her handiwork (you know, with the magnets) and suddenly "struck a pose". Not looking at the poster, I assumed she was emulating Susan (pocket-girl). I noticed that she had her arms crossed, so I asked who she was.

She said: Dr Cockroach. [sniff] My little nerd-girl [sniff] they grow up so fast...

UPDATE!! -- Max (who refuses to join us, saying "he lives it" [evil, "open-season-on-Max" laugh], but I think he's either (a) too scared or (b) too lazy, but (c) going with a combo of the two) has "commented" (that is, he told me as I was discussing this post with him and I said "well check it out and put in a comment" and he said "meh") that there is, in fact, if you are viewing this picture in the above light, something for everyone, if you look carefully at Bob.

So I noticed the flesh-coloured boob-pockets with the red buttons and he noticed the one-eyed cylindrical and "flexible" monster. At least we're a perfect match.

Did I mention we're taking our kids to see this tonight? Yeah. The late viewing too (It's Spring Break and just worked out that way. Shut up. It did.)

Um... What?

Someone told me today that I should write a book. For the purposes of this discussion, we'll call him Brad Pitt*. This sparked some discussion at my home this morning.

Me: Would you let me write a book?

Max: Absolutely not.

Me: Brad Pitt says I should write a book.

Max: Brad Pitt doesn't have to live with you [hmm... this moniker isn't working, as I seem to be temporarily obsessed with distracted by this notion]. You would go insane. Thereby driving me insane.

Me: What about a short story?

Max: Have you ever even read anything you've written? You'd say "short story" but it would turn into a novel.

Me: Hmmm... you're right. Well, what about a screenplay? [just throwing crap out there at this point. I'm not sure I even know what a screenplay is.]

Max: --- [contemplative expression]

Max: --- [contemplative expression, continued]

Max: I guess there aren't very many women pr0n directors.

Me: ---

Me: Um... What?

Max: Sorry, I guess I jumped a couple of steps there. I just suddenly had this image of you going to Hollywood to pitch your screenplays and after weeks of pounding the pavement ending up directing pr0n films.

So I took that as an endorsement and will quit my job tomorrow.

*Partly to protect the party-in-question from being accused of *actual* crack ingestion (as opposed to the social-media variety). Partly because I'm still not entirely sure I haven't imagined the whole interaction and don't want to embarass myself. I mean, further.

Candy: The Unauthorized Biography

Inspired by some talk of beauty, I recalled some talk in the distant past of inner beauty, and did a little hunting.

The setting is a lovely, cozy wedding. All are exceedingly happy because it is one of those natural-unfolding-of-events type events. Myself, nerves stretched to the breaking point, as I have to deliver something marginally intelligent to a room full of hyper-nerderatti-types. I knew they wouldn't hurl insults (you know, room full of people). But that they might send me flame-ridden e-mails the next day was on the periphery of my paranoia [note to self: "don't try and work the Taylor Series into a joke, you're destined to fuck it up"]. Being a nursing mom, I wasn't even supposed go the usual route to temper my edgy nerves. But I did anyway (pump & dump, baby). Desperate times...

This is the text of my speech, unedited, except to protect the innocent the guilty the clinically insane "Roomie" (if that is his real name). If I had the graphic of their wedding invitation, I'd include that, because it was so freakin' cool, but I'll leave that to her. And a groundswell of demand. Demand away! (she may have already done it, but after a brief search, I came up blank, so demand away!)

To note: this event occurred in 2000, so while e-mail had been around for quite a spell (I got it c. 1995 at my work, but didn't have a lot of contacts), most folks were just getting into having it at home by 2000. At least in these parts. These references were actually funny then. Now, you have to rely on the retro-charm (188 x 2 = 376... pffft). On the other hand, the fortelling of her addiction to penchant for social media - by creating the interweaving e-mail networks - is uncanny...

Also to note: I've been long-winded for some time. And Max is deaf in one ear.

"I would like to thank Nenette for asking me to do this. Thanks to her I was able to relive my university days - having about a six-month's notice for this "project" and still having to pull an all-nighter to finish it.

"I have known Nenette since our Engineering days. Like most people I met then, I don't remember the exact moment that I met her - but then, there's not a lot I remember from my days in school anyway. It would be at this time that she first met Roomie and as she says, she stayed away from him because she thought he was a freak. It would be at least four years before they started dating, so it was a strong first impression.

"Then they started dating… and the world has not been the same since…

"They began harmlessly enough - just dating - but their lives very gradually became intertwined. I don't think even she realized how much time she was spending with Roomie, until someone asked her why she was renting an apartment for her cat. On a rare occasion (I think the only occasion) that I saw that apartment on Corydon, a few of us went to pick her up for something and I remember the cat looking at us like "who are you and what are you doing in my home?" Soon after, she decided that this was ridiculous - she hardly ever got to see her kitty. So she rented an apartment for it in the same building as Roomie…

"After a few odd jobs (for both Roomie & Nenette) Roomie got a job in Hawaii and Nenette followed him there… I consider this a no-brainer decision - It was Hawaii - I (and about half a dozen others) almost followed him there. I was sad to have my friends move so far away, but not to fear, because it was at about this time that Nenette became fluent in the ways of E-mail… and the world has not been the same since…

"I am told that there are about 188 people here tonight. I think that this is about half the size of Nenette's e-mail address book. I have visions of her meeting people and saying "Nice to meet you - no, no, I'm not interested in your name, just give me your e-mail address!" As many of you are painfully aware, Nenette has very fast turnaround for various pieces of Internet and e-mail fluff - jokes, profound poems, pop-psychological "tests" which show that your choice of colours, dinnerware, and song titles indicate deep meaning of your relationships and/or outlook on life. As I recall, mine was "Oye Como Va" - my husband's was "Run like Hell" Hmmm…

"Anyway, the rest of the working world would notice when Nenette would take a day off of work, because their e-mail servers would stop smoking. Many people would call her, begging to be taken off her list so that they could actually get some work done and not get fired. I have heard of national offices sending out directives on the use of corporate e-mail and I wonder if she in some way inspired that. She had the power…

"During the time of her development in the "virtual" world, Nenette (and Roomie) moved back from Hawaii via Vancouver. I like to think that I had something to do with them moving back to Winnipeg, because when she was explaining to me (via e-mail) that she had been ill, I said "you're allergic to Vancouver - come home!" and then they did.

"They jumped right back into Winnipeg life. One Friday afternoon the computer conversation (actually, it was probably all day) jumped around James Bond and Bond-girls, and as if by fate, lead to the subject of martinis (shaken, not stirred). Thus began the biweekly pilgrimage to the Martini Bar. And the world has not been the same since… Actually, it might have been a one-time outing, but the bartender there was so… hot…(there really isn't a better description) that we decided to return - a number of times. It was here that I learned the most important fact about Nenette: She loves you. It takes about one to one-and-a-half martinis for any of you to discover that. If I am feeling low, it costs me the price of a martini to have a friend spontaneously profess their love for me. During these outings, a number of us (five) decided to undertake the Walk for MS - we formed a team called: "the Cradle Robbing Martini Marauders" inspired by said "hot" bartender, who was very young. In the end, we raised the most money per capita on a team and won a prize for that. Just a few weeks ago, the team carried its legacy into its second year.

"Nenette and Roomie go together very well. A friend of Roomie's from high school remarked that when she learned that Roomie and Nenette were dating, she was shocked: "Roomie's going out with a GIRL?" I think I might have thought the same thing, had I not known Nenette and had the immediate thought after that of "Nenette… of course, it's so obvious!" They share a lot of the same qualities: for example, computer nerdiness, a warped sleeping pattern (days and nights reversed), generosity. Why, just last week they showed up to a barbecue bringing enough Junior's hamburgers with fries and chili for everyone (about a dozen). Only (1) many had left (they showed up at about 10:30); and (2) being a barbecue, everyone had brought their own meat to barbecue. They made us eat them anyway…

"Over the years, Nenette and I have often discussed the prospect of marriage (of her and Roomie) she had been concerned because this was the result that she wanted and feared that Roomie did not want the same. I think my advice to her was: "just keep nagging, he's bound to relent sooner or later!" Thankfully, she did not heed my advice and just allowed their relationship to develop naturally.

She knew, though that if this wedding was to occur, she would have to nudge (or maybe shove) the process along - she would have to be the one to propose. I remember the Sunday morning when we went for brunch with Roomie and Nenette and I noticed Roomie's ring. Unfortunately, my first reaction was to burst out laughing. I immediately felt bad, because I wasn't sure if they knew why. I knew that this was coming (possibly because Nenette told me) so I knew what it meant. But what I was laughing at was at how perfect it was that she had bought him a ring watch. In retrospect I think I would have been almost disappointed had she simply reversed the roles and bought him a standard engagement ring. I think they must have understood, because here I am, allowed to be the one to honour her on her wedding day.

"I am very proud to have Nenette as my friend. And I am exceedingly happy to see her and Roomie marry today. One of the first things one notices about Nenette is her beauty and after that the realization that it is more than just physical beauty but something that comes from within. I mentioned that it takes only a martini or two for her to profess her love - for just about anyone, but before that, you can see it in her eyes, and I think that contributes in no small part to her beauty. That and her large breasts.

"That both Roomie and Nenette are each so well known and liked for reasons already discussed, and have unexplained powers, this wedding reminds me of what would occur if, say Superman married Wonder Woman… (Please stop imagining Nenette in a Wonder Woman costume…) From this day, the world will never be the same…

"Please join me in a toast to Candy, Girlie, Nenette - Wonder Woman."

I have to say, I'd almost forgotten about the cat-apartment.

I had not forgotten about the bartender.

Interview with a 3-6-9-year-old(s)

Well, this sucks. When I started this, the only place I had seen it was on the Facebook friend's page I stole it from. In the ensuing three weeks (I'd done two of them and then forgotten about it), I've seen it four times it this sort of venue. Coulduv been a leader, now just another on the pile.

Enjoy!

The subject in question (as photographed by Stewie, age 3):

1. What is something mommy always says to you?

Norah (9): "Practice your guitar!" [guilty as charged]
Pepper (6): "Eat your supper" [it may be that I asked when she was strapped to the table and being forced by trained monkeys to eat her supper. But it does happen often]
Stewie (3): "Hot Wheels! Beat That!" [oh yeah. All the time]

2. What makes mommy happy?

N: "When I hug you" [well, d'uh. I mean awwww!]
P: "Eating your supper" [maybe we'll do this later] "when I was born you loved me so much and you were so happy" [good call, harmzie]
S: [looking at the plant] "umm... I think plants"

3. What makes mommy sad?

N: "When I say I'm going to leave the house"
P: "Not eating my supper" [same the second time, d'oh]
S: "no. Ask 'what makes mommy mad?'" [ans] "I think, nothing"

4. How does your mommy make you laugh?

N: "When you burp and say 'Pepper! How could you?'"
P: "When somebody phones you and they say something funny like 'HI YO'" [she misheard the question, but I liked the answer anyway]
S: "Two monkeys" [that WOULD make ME laugh, depending upon what they were doing]

5. What was your mommy like as a child?

N: "whiny? Ha ha! Just kidding. Cheerful?"
P: "Happy"
S: "Cars"

6. How old is your mommy?

N: "Forty. That's easy"
P: "Twenty-four" ['k come on now, who's my favourite today?]
S: "Firteen"

7. How tall is your mommy?

N: "I'm up to your boobs" [nice]
P: [stands on chair and reaches as high as she can] "six feet tall!"
S: [reaches to the top of my forehead] "this high" [then, while I'm seated, touches my toes and runs his fingers all the way up to the top of my head - sort of weird, but I've decided to go with "adorable". It makes me feel better that way.]

8. What is her favorite thing to do?

N: "burp! ha ha just kidding again! Go to the gym"
P: "play on the computer"
S: "wash clothes" [WTF???]

9. What does your mommy do when you're not around?

N: "She's working"
P: she juggled between "go to work" and "play on the computer". [Not good]
S: "this is a tricky one"

10. If your mommy becomes famous, what will it be for?

N: "winning a race at her first try" [I sure as hell hope so!]
P: "building streets" [yeah!!]
S: "this is a tricky one"

11. What is your mommy really good at?

N: "bossing kids around" [she gets a :- look from me]
P: "building roads"
S: "washing clothes" [I repeat: WTF???]

12. What is your mommy not very good at?

N: "riding a skateboard (probably because you never tried)" [nailed that one]
P: "driving in the dark" [I think I said once that I don't *like it* - because I tend to fall asleep - but I don't know where she got that. I'm a very good driver. My dad lets me drive in the driveway]
S: "building a [race] track"

13. What does your mommy do for a job?

N: "engineers (she does NOT drive a train)" [her words]
P: "build roads"
S: "drink coffee"
[seems they're all paying close attention!]

14. What is your mommy's favorite food?

N: "spaghetti and meatballs"
P: "spaghetti and meatballs"
[it seems these two mistook what I MAKE most often with my favourite food]
S: "sausages"
[it is exceedingly disturbing to me that none of them selected sushi, but at least they didn't say "wine"]

15.What makes you proud of your mommy?

N: "when she earns $45" [kids are so easy to please these days!]
P: "that she loves me"
S: --

16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be?

N: "Tigress" [Kung-Fu Panda. Angelina Jolie in Kung-Fu Panda. Just sayin']
P: "Johnny Test" [??? These kids watch way too much unattended TV]
S: "a grown-up"

17. What do you and your mommy do together?

N: "practice piano"
P: "play games"
S: "hold hands"

18. How are you and your mommy the same?

N: "mommy looked the same as me when she was young"
P: "both girls"
S: "go to a hair cut"

19. How are you and your mommy different?

N: "mommy has glasses"
P: "you're big and I'm small"
S: "short hair"

20. How do you know your mommy loves you?

N: "she tells me everyday"
P: "because I was born from her"
S: "at valentines day"

21. what does your mommy like most about your daddy?

N: "daddy's waffles" [how did she know we called them that?]
P: "he's cute"
S: "daddy's shirts"

22. Where is your mommy's favorite place to go?

N: "to the wine store" [smart-ass]
P: "get coffee" [yay! swish] "... and beer... and wine" [d'oh]
S: "work" [ulp... gotta look at that work-life balance thing]

3 words

"click the image"

(... and I you thought 140 was hard)

What I said last week?

Um... yeah. Something about some other season that I can't think of the name of now...

Fuggeddaboudit

Bleh.

On a lighter note, It WAS actually beautiful enough out to venture out (provided you don't have to drive) to a stunning theatrical performance of Grade 1 - 3 ers. Here is the LifeCandy family doing same:

(They're in there. Trust me)

It was also a lovely night for perfect snow angels:


If I get it together to write something intelligent around the roughly 200 pictures I took, I'll do more later. Otherwise, Nen will probably write up a review.

Twitter High

it's not what you think...

Update: Feeling much better today. Just needed to vent. Thanks for listening!

Here's a picture of something sparkly: